Grief is something that is certainly not fun to talk about, but it's part of life, & there were a couple difficult events involving my grandfather (he is doing okay!) that happened within the past few days that has me thinking about it more than usual. Just to give you a reference point, the five stages of grief are:
Those who are close to me know how incredibly important my maternal grandfather, who I lovingly call Gung-Gung, is to me. Ever since I was a little girl, he & I have had the most incredible, special bond. I love that man so, so, SO much. Back in January 2015, while on a cruise in Mexico, he had a major & devastating stroke. As a result, he acquired a condition known as global aphasia, which means that he no longer has the ability to communicate using language. So, he can no longer read, write, speak, or understand language of any kind. He also lost feeling on the entire right side of his body. Transition & Change:
Now, remember that grief doesn't only occur when someone dies. It also occurs when any major negative change happens in someone's life. For example, people may grieve when going through a divorce or heartbreak or if a close family member or friend moves away. I have been in the denial stage of grief for eight years & four months now (since that very day in January 2015 that the stroke occurred). Yes, as horrible as that is (it's even more terrible seeing it in writing than it has been thinking it in my head all of these years), that's the complete & honest truth. A Side-Note About Therapy: I had been seeing a therapist at the time that the stroke occurred. And I did tell my therapist how much I was struggling with my Gung-Gung's stroke, but I don't think she understood to what extent. I stopped going to therapy in the fall of that year, when I had to change to a different insurance plan that my therapist didn't accept. I haven't tried therapy again since, because my experience in therapy was that it either was extraordinarily harmful & detrimental to my mental health (the exact opposite thing that therapy is supposed to accomplish) or that it didn't make any difference at all, good OR bad. I had been through a plethora of therapists, all who, believe it or not, I wanted to strangle, before I found my last therapist who I really loved. Going through so many different therapists before finding the right one was incredibly emotionally & physically exhausting & draining & going through that multi-year process again, especially when I don't see the benefit in it is just not something I feel I have the energy or the drive for. I'll get more into my experience with therapy on another day. Now that I know I'm autistic, struggling this much with my Gung-Gung's stroke more than eight years later makes complete sense. Autistic people thrive on routine. However, transition & change are extremely difficult for us. That has to be why I'm still in the denial stage of grief this many years later. I just want my Gung-Gung to go back to being the person he was before his stroke. I mean, I know my mom wishes that too, but she has long accepted that this is her new reality, while I'm still denying that. Special Interests Particularly in autistic girls & women, special interests can be people or characters in novels or in movies. If an autistic person's special interest is a person, not only is the autistic person is going to be incredibly loyal to that person, but rejection will be particularly devastating, whether the person of interest is a friend, a romantic interest, etc. I didn't realize it until very recently, after I began learning more & more about how autism presents itself in girls & in women, but my Gung-Gung is one of my special interests. For me, this means that his presence & his mere existence in the world, & in my life takes precedence over everything else. The changes that occurred in him due to the severity of his stroke completely crushed me. And once he eventually passes away, that will shatter my entire world. The following statements are all true about my Gung-Gung:
When my grandma passed away a couple years ago, broken heart syndrome became one of my special interests. Unfortunately, I never had a relationship with my grandma, so I didn't grieve when she died. The hardest part about losing my grandma was thinking that her death would be what would kill my Gung-Gung, who I love so much. (My grandparents had an incredible love story.) I learned that the risk of a man dying of a broken heart goes down dramatically at the three-month mark, so once we hit three months, I felt an instant wave of relief. My aunt & uncle were visiting this past December & I had a heart-to-heart conversation with my aunt one night during that visit. My aunt brought up that when my Gung-Gung eventually does pass away, it really won't be that devastating because of how much he's changed since his stroke. I absolutely did not agree with her because the finality of death is so terrifying to me. Never feeling his arm around my shoulders; being able to hold his hand; or seeing my puppy, Ollie kiss him all over his face, bringing him so much joy & laughter is just not acceptable to me. It would absolutely devastate me & break my heart & wouldn't bring me any relief whatsoever. What my aunt expressed to me is how the average neurotypical person would feel, given the situation. But, what I'm expressing here is how one autistic woman feels, given that same situation. Being Literal-Minded Autistic people are literal-minded. Now, with that being said, I personally don't believe in God, in Heaven, or in any kind of afterlife. So, as morbid as that is to believe, I believe that when someone you love passes away, you'll never see that person ever again. The idea of God, Heaven, & an afterlife are just so abstract, foreign, & unbelievable in my mind that until I've actually seen proof that those things exist, I'm not going to believe in it. I know that those beliefs bring comfort to many people & I wish it did to me as well, but it just doesn't make sense in my literal mind. I know my Gung-Gung believes in Heaven & he wants to go up there to be with my grandma, the love of his life, again, but because I don't believe in it myself, I don't have the comfort he does. In fact, the idea of that actually makes me sick to my stomach. I am also someone who believes that the two things that should never be talked about are politics & religion, unless you know for sure that whoever you're talking to has the same beliefs as you. Because of the role my beliefs play in my fear of death, I thought this was important to mention, but at the same time, I want you to know that I completely understand & respect your beliefs, whatever they may be. So, I tried my very best to make this section as short & as to the point as possible. Fear Of The Unknown Autistic people like to know what to expect. In my thirty-something years of life, I have lost two grandparents & two pet bunnies. (Luckily, I have not lost any other loved ones.) I didn't grieve when either of my two late grandparents passed away. I believe that when my Gung-Gung passes, it will be the first time I would have ever grieved. And from what I know about myself & about my relationship with my Gung-Gung, I'm very worried about my ability to handle that grief. I hope that this post gave you valuable insight as to what grieving might feel like as an autistic woman.
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AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
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May 2024
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