When you get an illness or a disease, you begin to not feel like yourself. You're tired, grouchy, feverish, achy, congested, maybe you've got a runny nose, etc. Then you rest, take medicine, hydrate, & do whatever else you need to do in order to feel better. The ways you aren't yourself are known as symptoms & once the symptoms are gone, you're all better. Many people think that autism works similarly, so they call our autistic characteristics symptoms. However, autism isn't an illness or a disease, but it is a neurotype, or a difference in how the brain works. No autistic person could sleep enough or take any medication that would cause her or his autism to go away. In fact, the majority of autistic people feel the most like themselves when they are exhibiting their autistic traits. So, if you were to take away their autism, they would NO LONGER be themselves. However, unlike the majority of autistic people, I personally want my autism to go away. I dislike every aspect of myself that is related to me being autistic because it is SO disabling. And it makes me unable to achieve the things in life that my allistic, or non-autistic counterparts have achieved many, MANY years ago. Being financially secure, having a close circle of people who care about me, getting married, having a family, living a happy & fulfilling life, & more. The goal for the majority of autistic people isn't to remove autism & using words like symptoms to describe us being us makes it feel like that is the goal. We refer to our autistic characteristics as traits so we don't feel like we, ourselves are an illness or a disease.
For me personally, while I do wish I could remove the autistic part of myself, I refer to my autistic characteristics as traits. As much as I want to remove the autism, I know that no matter what I do, I won't be able to remove it. You can remove symptoms, but you can't remove traits. So, the next time you are describing autism, please use the word "traits" instead of the word "symptoms."
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I am typically reminded several times a week that I am autistic. What I mean by that is things are constantly happening in my life that I know wouldn't happen if I was allistic, or if I wasn't autistic. When these things happen to me, I tend to say in my head, "[This particular thing] happened because I'm autistic." & then I feel all sad & mopey on the inside. I really wish it wasn't this way because it's part of what makes being autistic feel so disabling. But, I blog about my life. And this is the type of thing I deal with every day. This my real life that I'm sharing with you, so here we go. This is the story of how purchasing a new winter coat reminded me that I am in fact, autistic. All winter long, the threads in my winter coat have been repeatedly breaking, leaving large gaping holes behind. Rather than continuously repairing the damage, I decided that it was time for a new coat. This coat is very old, anyway. The best time to purchase a winter coat is at the end of the season, when everything is on clearance, so now is the PERFECT time for a new one. The task of purchasing a new coat that I will wear almost daily for almost half the year is overwhelming to say the least, especially for an autistic person such as myself. These are the three main reasons why:
The Return Process:
This is where it gets really complicated. I purchased these two coats from Walmart's online marketplace. So, it wasn't actually Walmart who I bought the coats from, but I could return it there. I kept the deep purple coat in my car for about a week & a half, so that I wouldn't have to remember about it on the day I actually needed it. Walmart is a close drive for me, but one of my dog walking clients lives less than two miles from Walmart, so I wanted to return this coat on a day that I didn't have to go anywhere after walking this particular client's dog. It took twelve days before I had time to go to Walmart after walking this client's dog. My entire life is based around doing things in the most efficient manner, so that whatever I do outside of my home takes up the least amount of time possible. Because of my depleted energy levels, as well as my executive function difficulties, doing all my errands on a single day when I'm already in the area for another reason (such as visiting a client's dog or cat) is what works best for me. Anyway, after parking my car, I took the deep purple coat (still in the bag it was shipped in), into Walmart & found the customer service desk. The older woman who helped me was incredibly grouchy. Right away, she complained about the size of the coat (what winter coat isn't large?!) & to be completely honest, I was pretty intimidated & frightened by her. I showed her the barcode on my phone that was connected to the coat I wanted to return & she scanned it. But, I was really confused because she kept making comments about how the coat I was returning wasn't red. I never purchased or received any red coats, so I had no idea what she was talking about. I was scared of her though, so I just let her do her thing & I didn't speak up. She printed out a receipt with the coat's tracking number on it & the amount that I would be refunded. I looked the receipt over as I was walking away because I never trust that people are doing their jobs correctly. I was glad that I checked because the refund she issued me was for the incorrect amount. The coat I was returning was $5 more than the coat I was keeping. And the refund I received was for the coat that was at home! I went back to the customer service counter to ask her about it & she told me that the coat I gave her wasn't red. It was then that I realized why she had been talking about a red coat. 💡 The packing slip inside the shipping bag said that I purchased a red coat & a purple coat. Red wasn't even a color option for the coat I had purchased. I was SO confused by this! ⁉️ I had never even looked at the packing slip because I received exactly what I ordered. The woman returned the purple coat (which was at home) because the coat I gave her wasn't red. When I showed her the picture of the coat on my phone with the price I paid for it, she yelled at me & told me I should've shown her that from the very beginning. I thought I did though because I showed her the barcode, which she scanned & I would think that the barcode would tell the customer service person which coat I was returning & how much to refund. ⁉️⁉️ The only reason I didn't question the customer service woman originally was because I was intimidated & scared. I have lived my entire life having to endure pervasive mistreatment from everyone around me & I am quite certain that it has caused post-traumatic stress disorder, something that more than 40% of autistic individuals struggle with. The reason I didn't speak up was because I was simply autistic & afraid. In the end, a much kinder & younger woman (who was also working behind the customer service desk) called the seller I had purchased the coats from to get the remaining $5 refunded. Going to the store to return something is such a simple task, but being autistic turned it into such a big headache. And it was all because the person helping me wasn't kind. This is something that could've been avoided completely if the person helping me had exhibited kindness & had not been so intimidating. This is the type of thing that I deal with on a daily basis because I am living with autism. For those of you who are also autistic, I hope this story helps you feel less alone. And for those of you who are allistic, I hope this story helps illustrate how difficult it is to be an autistic woman living in a neurotypical world. 💙 Since Thanksgiving was just last week, I thought I'd spend this blog post telling you about what I'm thankful for. And no, autism didn't make the list. As I have said many times in this blog before, while many autistic people see autism as a superpower, something unique & wonderful about themselves, I see it as a hardship & a burden. Something that has very much gotten in the way of me achieving the white picket fence lifestyle I have dreamt of ever since I was a little girl. I had an interesting conversation with my mom last night, so before we move onto what this blog post is really about, I'd like to talk for a moment about Autism Acceptance. My mom made a comment about how I have accepted my autism, but I was quick to correct her. "I haven't accepted my autism. That's one of the things that I hate the most about myself & I wish it would just go away!" I said to her. "But you write all about it in your blog. You're very open about it there," my mom said. "I haven't accepted it though & I probably never will. I can write about it without accepting it. I'm open about it because I want people to have a better understanding of me. I hate my autism!" I exclaimed. "Okay, acknowledge then. You acknowledge that you have autism," my mom said, correcting the verbiage that she had been using. Yes, I acknowledge that I'm autistic. And I'm open about it, too. I'm trying to use my diagnosis to help others have a better understanding of me & to be more accepting of people who are a little bit different from them. But, accepting my autism? I'm far, far, FAR away from that. And to be completely honest with you, I can't see myself ever accepting it. I mean, autism has made my life so much more difficult than it would've been if I was neurotypical. Autism is something I want to stomp on, throw into a fire, & never see again. You get the picture. Feeling that way about my autism isn't acceptance. I wish I could get to the place of autism acceptance, but I haven't gotten there. And I don't think I ever will. What I'm Thankful For:
However, there are certain life experiences, things I have learned, & perspectives that I have that I only have because I am autistic. And that is what I'm thankful for. While I am definitely NOT thankful for autism itself, I do have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, that is related to autism in one way or another. Those things include, but are not limited to...
Today is a big day for me because it marks my one year anniversary of my autism evaluation & me getting the validation I waited precisely four months & four days for (I can't believe it!), so in celebration of that, here are some things I've learned about myself over the past year, four months, & four days:
Looking Back On Six Months Of Blog Posts!
April's Blog Topics:
A couple days ago, my case worker called me regarding my disability application. This is the first time I ever heard from him since applying for disability benefits back in early December. In fact, before this week, I didn't even know I had a case worker! Unfortunately, the call ended with me feeling incredibly flustered. Despite the fact that my case worker & I were both speaking English & we are both native English speakers, I felt as though we were speaking two entirely different languages. This is quite a common occurrence for me, & for other autistic people, as well. Communication is so, so difficult when you're autistic. In fact, all my adult life, I've had my dad sit with me when I make phone calls about my personal needs. And it's not just because of the severe phone anxiety I experience. It's because I literally cannot communicate with people about the numerous issues I deal with everyday unless they are part of my very, very tiny inner circle. Especially when I'm on the phone. When I first received my autism diagnosis, I expected to have a much, MUCH easier time conveying my needs to & working with various resource people. I mean, now I have a name for my struggles, plus these people are used to working with people with disabilities, right? I was SO wrong here! I have found that it has been almost impossible to get my points across to anyone unless their background is specifically in autism AND they have a certain personality type. Without that exact combination, people are almost impossible to work with.
For instance, back in December, I had an extremely heated argument with the resource person at the autism center where I went for my autism spectrum disorder evaluation & diagnosis. I expected that this conversation would give me hope, but instead, it left me feeling more defeated & alone than ever before. I could go on & on about my conversation with her. I would think that not only working in an autism center, but having an autistic adult child at home would make her be able to speak to an autistic woman with respect & dignity. Much of what she said was completely uncalled for & inappropriate. Despite the fact that I consider myself a very patient person & easy to get along with, I can tell you that the only reason I didn't completely lose my cool with her is because I was walking my dog, Teddy at the time she called me back & I wasn't alone in my bedroom. I needed to control my emotions in order to not make a complete fool out of myself in public. That's how bad it was. The same exact thing happened during a phone call with my vocational rehabilitation counselor this past June, but I can give him more benefit of the doubt because he certainly knows a lot less about autism than the autism resource woman. Lastly, during my phone conversation with my case worker a couple days ago, he put so much more weight on my autistic comorbidities than on autism itself. I can tell you that while I likely would still struggle with mental health challenges without being autistic, being autistic is what makes my mental health challenges so disabling that it affects my ability to work. Autism is what's important here, not the plethora of other difficulties I have. Yes, I put down other diagnoses too because you can't forget that they do exist. But, that's not what's important here. People focus on the mental health aspect of things because that's what they know more about. They also think that if you take medication & go to therapy, you can be fixed. And if your issues can be fixed, then there's no need for disability benefits, right? That would save Social Security a lot of money. My case worker was very surprised that I don't see a therapist right now & it has been a very long time since I've seen one. I don't see a therapist is because I feel like it was a total waste of time & money. I'll get more into the details of therapy on another day. My experience in therapy is more than a blog post worth of info. Anyway, the conversation I had with my case worker scared me because how is he supposed to help me if we keep talking in circles & I can't get him to understand any of my points? This is not okay. I am posting about this to show you just how frustrating being autistic can be. I am SO beyond exhausted that no matter how hard I try, I can't get anyone to understand me or to respect my thoughts & feelings. As my eighth grade school year neared its end, there was so much excitement & chatter among my classmates about high school. High school. Now those were two words I never wanted to hear. If you had asked me about anything having to do with high school that year, one of two things would have happened:
Throughout my life, each transition that I've experienced was harder than the one before. Now, I know why. Autism. We're known for having a tough time with change. Middle school wasn't a time that I would ever want to relive (I mean, who would?), but high school? Now that was terrifying. Eighth grade was the first time I ever had a male main subject teacher. My science & homeroom teacher, Gil, really took a liking to me. He gave me special treatment & gave me privileges that no one else in the class was allowed to have. He even intervened in situations where I didn't think it was necessary. He simply wanted to be there to take care of me. Being someone who didn't (& still doesn't) trust men, I considered myself pretty lucky to have had Gil be my first experience with a male teacher. He's retired now, but I've been able to reach out to him a few times since my college graduation to thank him for being so good to me. Anyway, Gil knew that I was nervous about going to high school, so he met my parents, my grandparents, & me one day over spring break to give us a personal tour. He used to work at the high school, so he knew it pretty well. My town was growing so fast, that the eighth grade needed to be moved to the high school for several years because there was no longer room for it in the middle school. By the time I entered eighth grade though, the grade had moved back to where it was supposed to be. I'm not sure how much that tour helped my transition to high school because just the idea of going to high school was SO upsetting. I knew I had no other choice because staying in eighth grade forever & skipping high school weren't viable options either. Having that love, care, & extra time from a teacher who could've been spending his spring break doing so many other things meant so much to my family & me. My First Day Of High School: Now, this is something I hate to admit, but on the first day of high school, as I was walking to the bus stop, there were big, ugly, fat tears that wouldn't stop forming. Like many parents, ever since I started school, my mom has always taken a picture of me on the first day. I couldn't pull myself together enough to take a picture that morning, so my mom took a picture of me after school instead. To this day, when I look at that picture, all I see is a sad, scared girl hidden behind the smile on her face. See below↓. On that particular morning, my next-door neighbor was looking out her front door at me walking to the bus stop, full of excitement for me. My neighbor was someone I have been very close to ever since I was a toddler, but I couldn't manage to turn to look at her for even a brief second because my face was so streaked with tears. Luckily, my mom could be my voice that morning, providing an explanation for my strange behavior which was completely embarrassing. What Exactly Was SO Terrifying?: There were three main things that were upsetting about going to high school.
I know that this is a very vulnerable & heartbreaking post, especially for those who know me personally. Please know that everything written in this post was written with my heart & soul & is absolutely true. School is very, very difficult for us autistics & my experiences are illustrations of why this may be. Some time ago, my parents' financial guy had made an offer to assist my brother & I if we ever wanted it. My mom took me to see him today because for awhile now, I've had concerns about having too much money in the bank. The reason why? I'm in my thirties now & I have barely spent any money ever since I started earning it when I was a teenager. In simpler terms, I'm really, really, really good at saving money. This Is Why I'm Such A Money Saver: I cannot depend on myself to make money. I became very aware when I was looking for my first "real" job after college that no one wanted to hire me. I don't blame them because if I was someone who was in the hiring position, I wouldn't want to hire myself either, as sad as that is to admit. I really, really, REALLY struggled with this. I was raised in an Asian & a Jewish household. I believe that those two backgrounds expect more from their children than any other background does. I even struggled emotionally that I went to a lowly state school rather than a college that was more highly respected. How many high school seniors get into every single one of the colleges they apply to? 🙋🏻♀️ I didn't have any reach schools & I didn't take any AP classes in high school because I wouldn't have been able to handle the pressure of either one of those things. Ever since I graduated from college ten years ago, I have had an intense amount of pressure put on me by my family & by myself to achieve things that were just not attainable. That really ate away at my self-esteem. My self-esteem wasn't good before this, but this made it a whole lot worse. For many years, my parents would say to me, "Aren't you scared about what's gonna happen to you when we die? Don't you want to make a living?" And for years, I avoided answering that question because I had no answer that would be acceptable to them, no answer that would be acceptable to me. The truth was, I was petrified & I still am. But, until I received my autism diagnosis last year, I had no understanding about why I was never able to reach the types of goals I went to college to achieve, why I am a college-educated person who can't support myself. It was EXTRAORDINARILY frustrating. College & Financial Independence: Achieving financial independence is what everyone strives for & it is a big reason why many high school graduates go on to college, isn't it? Well, let me tell you this. A college education doesn't buy you financial independence. It just doesn't. What a college education buys you is simply that: a college education. Yes, many jobs require a college degree & having a college degree can get you a higher salary than you would've had without one, but having a college degree doesn't get you a job. That was one of the first lessons I learned when my college commencement was upon me. I was an art & graphic design major, so my mom suggested that I call several design firms in the Boston area to see if they were hiring. Trying to be a good daughter, I unhappily obliged. I've always had problems talking to people & making phone calls to people I don't know personally causes anxiety on such a high level that I can't put it into words. None of the design firms I called were hiring, which surprisingly gave me great relief. This was something I never expected, but I knew it was because of the feelings of panic I endured when I thought about life after college. My college experience was absolutely terrible, so the whole four years I was there, I kept thinking that things would get better once I graduated. Well, they didn't. I believe that in general, companies want to hire people who:
I Wasn't Made For The Corporate World!:
Both corporate environments & supervisors, whether I'm interviewing or working at a job, cause me to freeze, become nonverbal, get tongue-tied, panic, act in unexpected ways, & a plethora of other things that give a bad impression. Whenever I try to explain this to people, they just don't get it. Most people work because they have to, not because they want to & they do what they have to do to make a living. But, if all of those things have always happened to me when I'm either interviewing for a job or working for a supervisor, how is that going to work? Job Interview Experiences: I have been told so many times to just practice, practice, practice. But, I believe that in this instance, practice isn't going to help. There's no reasoning with anxiety & until I have reached a specific required comfort level with the person who is interviewing me (something that both takes a very, very long time & isn't possible), everything I've hypothetically practiced will just go out the window at the time I need it most. Plus, that's not even taking into consideration that if I don't actually want the job, I'm not going to be able to convince someone else that I want the job. Now, if you're thinking, "How could you not want the job?!" Wanting the job & wanting money are two totally different things. I have never interviewed for a job that I wanted because every job that I've ever interviewed for was a job that I believed I was better off without. Experiences In The Workforce: I strongly believe that I have never been a good employee, so that in turn makes me not a good employee. I know now that much of this has to do with being an unawarely autistic employee. I have been told the following things from various supervisors:
What I Need In A Job: If I'm not able to be in control of when, how, where, for who, & with who I'm working all of the time, it's not going to work for me. I know that chances are, unless you're self-employed, you don't control all of those things. For an autistic person, not having control of all or at least the most important of those things all the time will cause autistic burnout. This is why many autistic people:
Autistic Burnout Is: The complete physical & mental exhaustion that autistic people experience from trying to live in a neurotypical world &/or from masking their autistic traits too often. This is often a problem for autistic people in the workplace & is often why they often don't have enough sick time or their job performance might be lower than it should be. 💔💔 This is the heartbreaking reality for many autistic people out there & this is why we need more support. 💔💔 During a phone conversation with a close family member this morning, I was asked about how my life is different now that my personality has been diagnosed. I was deeply hurt that I was asked this question. But, at the same time, I felt blessed. Out of everyone I have shared this diagnosis with, there has only been one person who has given me inappropriate reactions. From what I know about people who have come out as autistic, the more common response is for the majority of people to act like it's no big deal when they originally are told this information & then they proceed to treat you differently &/or shut you out of their life completely. "How Is Your Life Different Now That Your Personality Has Been Diagnosed?": My response was that my personality was not diagnosed because autism isn't my personality. It isn't anyone's personality because autism isn't a personality. I was then asked, "Well, if it's not your personality, then what is it?" "It's a disorder or a disability," I responded. I know many autistic individuals are going to disagree with my choice of words here. Depending on his or her own experiences, many people in the autism community believe that this is not true. Some people dislike that ASD stands for autism spectrum disorder because they don't think it's a disorder. Disorders imply that something is wrong, something needs to be corrected, &/or a cure is needed. Many autistic individuals don't believe that anything is wrong or that anything needs to be corrected, so there's nothing that needs to be fixed. I talk about this more in my blog post entitled I Desperately Want A Cure For Autism, But Most Autistics Disagree: This Is Why. I think autism is a disability because it has hindered my ability to get to where I want to be in life. What I Think My Life Would've Been Like If I Wasn't Autistic:
What Autism Is & Isn't:
Autism Is:
Autism Isn't:
What Personality Is & Isn't: Personality Is:
Personality Isn't:
As I talked about earlier in this blog, when I received my autism diagnosis back in October 2022, I knew that I wanted to share it, as well as my experiences & my knowledge in order to spread more awareness & acceptance of autism & the many ways it can look. However, what I was not aware of was how rewarding & fulfilling that would feel, thanks to the unbelievable amount of love, positive responses, & support I received in return. As I was reading about autism disclosure & what other newly diagnosed autistic people went through, whether in autism books or memoirs or posts in autism support groups on Facebook, I have to admit that not knowing how people would react to this news was quite scary, especially after reading about other people's disclosure experiences, some which were pretty horrible. However, I knew that I wanted to "come out" as autistic to people. (Yes, coming out isn't just for sexual orientations & is also a term used for other aspects of life. Autistic people "come out" as autistic (or disclose their autism) if they so choose as well!) I felt like I had been misunderstood my entire life & I wanted people to get me, to understand me. Autism would explain all of my quirks, all of my difficulties, from early childhood through adulthood. However, I knew that there was a huge risk that I would get reactions that would be inappropriate, upsetting, make me uncomfortable, or all of the above. Before the idea of starting a blog even came to mind, I shared my struggles & my diagnosis with roughly eighty people, from all different aspects of my life. I began with telling family, close friends, former teachers, neighbors, & people I interact with on a regular basis. Later on, as I gained more comfort, I expanded the circle of people who knew to even more neighbors, my parents' friends & colleagues, & people who I went to school with, many who had to have been aware of the intense bullying I experienced all throughout my educational journey. I was extremely surprised that out of those eighty-ish people I "came out" to, only one of those people reacted in a way that made me uncomfortable. I was the most worried about this particular person's reaction, but it was a family member that in the goodness of my heart, I felt that I couldn't exclude due to sharing this news with everyone else in my family. I began writing my autism disclosure email in early September 2022. This was roughly a month & a half prior to receiving my autism diagnosis & roughly three months before being ready to send this email out for the first time. I sent this email out twice, to two separate groups of people & posted a similarly-worded Facebook post as well. I reread & revised this email almost everyday from the time I wrote it until I actually sent it out (a definite autistic trait). I received SO many compliments about how well-written this email was from those who received it. Multiple people told me they read it once & then reread it again & again. I was told many times from a multitude of people that I am such a talented writer. This is something that was true from the time that I was a child, as well. From rereading notes written by my former teachers, my elementary school, middle school, & high school teachers all seemed to agree that written communication was a strength of mine while verbal communication was a weakness (another autistic trait). As a child, it was easier to write a poem about how I was feeling than to just say it. Now, it is easier to write a letter or a blog post about how I feel than it is to talk about it.
The decision to start a blog was the result of how people reacted when I shared my struggles & my diagnosis with them, how rewarding & fulfilling that felt, as well as being complimented so many times about my writing. I wanted to branch out a little further by starting an autism acceptance blog & online boutique to help make a difference in the best way I know how: through writing & design! My background is in graphic design, but being complimented so many times about my writing solidified that going down this completely new avenue & combining these two things might be worth exploring because of my newfound passion for autism advocacy, as well as employment-related difficulties (which I now know is due to being autistic). This winter, during a deep & lengthy conversation about my struggles & my experiences I had with one of my neighbors, she told me I should write a book. At this point, I'm unsure about whether or not I'll get to the point where getting a book of my own published is a realistic goal, but I shared with my neighbor that I have been working really hard on getting a blog up & going with the goal of launching April 1st, just in time for Autism Acceptance Month. This blog would be a great step towards writing a book if that is something that is in my future. I am so excited to see what the future holds for me, but I am even more excited that you are coming along for the ride! Now, if you're allistic, or non-autistic, you might think that receiving an autism diagnosis, especially as an adult, would be quite crushing. Let me tell you, it's not. In fact, it's quite the opposite. At the end of my evaluation, when my evaluating psychiatrist told me that I am in fact, autistic, the instant wave of relief that I experienced was absolutely incredible & was like nothing I have ever experienced before in my life. What would've been crushing is if I went through this whole thing & I did not receive this diagnosis. Because then, I would've been like, "Now what?!" Receiving an autism diagnosis isn't like receiving other medical diagnoses. Let's take cancer for example. You thought you were a perfectly healthy thirty-something-year-old, but now they've found a malignant tumor. I'm sure if I were in that situation, that would absolutely shatter me to the core. There's nothing about an autistic person that changes when they receive a diagnosis. This is something that that person has had since birth. It's just that now, there's finally a name that can explain all of the lifelong struggles that this person has had.
I knew since mid-June, when my doctor first brought this up & I first began reading about autism spectrum disorder & what it looks like in girls, in women, & in adults, that I am autistic. Reading those articles & that literature was like reading descriptions of myself. Receiving this diagnosis was only confirming what I already knew about myself for all of these months. I will never forget the afternoon of October 20, 2022 because I was so elated to finally know for sure why I struggled for so long, why my childhood was so difficult. Why I'm having so much trouble achieving the things I should be able to achieve as an adult, but can't. Getting this diagnosis was the answer to a plethora of medical & social difficulties I've had from my early childhood into adulthood & that is a good thing. During a birthday celebration that my family threw for my grandfather this past winter, one of my mom's cousins told me that I looked much more confident than the last time she saw me, slightly less than a year ago. The last time she saw me, I didn't know I was autistic. I've never been a confident person, so I certainly didn't feel confident. But, now when I think about it, I think what my mom's cousin could've seen is the relief that just a few months prior to that party, I was finally able to understand myself on a much deeper level than was ever possible at any other point in my life. The sadness that comes along with autism is caused by the fact that I've had so many struggles throughout my life. Now I know that autism has caused all of these struggles, but I've never known a life without autism. It just took over thirty years for me to know that autism was the reason for all of the challenges in my life. No, it really doesn't. At least not in my view. That was just a fun play on words I thought of for today's topic. One of the things that is common among autistic people is their tendency for having a lot of rules & rituals that control their lives. For me personally, I don't have a lot of those, except in two very specific areas of my life. One of those areas is my dogs, which brings us to yesterday evening's frustration. Yesterday evening, my mom told me that she bought my dogs a new box of dog biscuits. Any neurotypical person would be thankful to have a mom who did that for them & I would've, as well, if she had bought the right type of treats. Now, I know how ridiculous this sounds, especially to any neurotypical dog parent who is reading this. But, & I'm not kidding; I am only one in my family who can buy dog food & treats correctly. There are very specific things I look for when purchasing dog food & treats. These Are My Rules For Purchasing Dog Food & Treats:
I don't allow my dogs to eat any dog food or treat that doesn't fit follow ALL FOUR of those rules. Clearly, my dogs eat better than I do. The particular type of dog biscuits my mom purchased didn't fit into three out of four of those rules. I know being this particular & getting this upset over a box of dog treats might seem ridiculous. But, I have done SO much dog food & treat research over the years that my dogs eating biscuits in the box that my mom bought would've been torturous for me. Feeling this way is absolutely not ridiculous for an autistic person. The next part of this situation that was upsetting was that I had to go exchange the box of dog biscuits RIGHT THEN. At six o'clock in the evening. After I thought I was home for the rest of the night. After I was already in that shopping plaza three hours earlier & needed to go the the shopping plaza again the next day, to visit a cat sitting client. Or my dogs would have to be fed those biscuits that I didn't want them to eat because there were no dog biscuits in the house & no one told me. I am extremely conservative with gas & drive with efficiency. So, driving to the same shopping plaza multiple times in the same day when I had to go to that plaza again the next day anyway made no sense to me. I tried to make sense with my mom, but couldn't. Yes, I still live with my parents. (Thanks, Autism.) So, off I went to PetSmart to exchange a box of dog biscuits. I picked out something that fit all of my qualifications, paid the $1.06 difference & drove home. When I got home, my mom happily asked me what I dog biscuits I picked out, so I showed her. This whole situation put me in a bad mood for the whole rest of the night & I am still frustrated about the tiny amount of unnecessary extra gas I had to use yesterday evening. The reason why? Anger rumination. A term I had never heard of until I knew I was autistic. It is something that a lot of other autistic people also struggle with.
What Is Anger Rumination?: Anger rumination is the tendency to dwell on upsetting & frustrating experiences that happened in the past. Why Am I Telling You This?: No, I am not telling you about this to vent about my evening yesterday. I am telling you about this because this is what it's like to be an autistic woman. I hope this helped you get a little glimpse into my life, the life of an autistic woman. I had a blog topic planned for today, but due to a phone call I received yesterday afternoon, I'm straying from it & blogging about something totally different (which is difficult for autistic people to do) instead. So, let's talk about autism resources! When you get an autism diagnosis, the next step is typically... you guessed it... resources! The resources that come after the diagnosis are SO overwhelming! Or, at least that's how it was for me. I decided to post about this instead of my planned topic because my vocational rehabilitation counselor called me yesterday afternoon to check in. There were multiple resources I applied for once I had my diagnosis. One of the resources I applied for was vocational rehabilitation services. What Is Vocational Rehabilitation?: Vocational rehabilitation is a process that helps people with lifelong & acquired disabilities find, get, & keep meaningful employment. All states have vocational rehabilitation services, but they might be called different things depending on the state. Now you know why this is so overwhelming for me. I have mentioned multiple times throughout this blog that anything & everything relating to employment causes intense amounts of stress & anxiety for me. The last time I had seen or spoken to my vocational rehabilitation counselor was back on Thursday, February 9, 2023; when I had my initial in-person meeting with him. That was roughly two months ago. During that meeting, I explained some of my anxieties involving employment & also showed him what I had done so far with my Splashed With Water website. Back in February, this website looked nothing like it looks now because it was not nearly as far along as it is right now. It was also not a live (or published) site at the time.
During today's conversation with my vocational rehabilitation counselor, I shared with him the link to this website, which he took a peek at while speaking with me. From what my autistic self could tell, he seemed quite impressed & asked if he could share it with the rest of the office. Of course, I gave him permission to do that. I also told him to be sure to let me know if any of his colleagues had any thoughts or feedback regarding my site. He then asked me what I actually wanted him, as my vocational rehabilitation counselor, to help me with. What I actually wanted to outcome of the vocational rehabilitation services to be. To be completely honest with you, that was a difficult question for me to answer. What I told him was that I think the traditional, corporate-style job is the safest choice & the choice that everyone who loves & cares about me wants me to make. However, I personally feel that that is not the best choice for me personally due to the fact that I think it could very likely be detrimental to my mental & physical health & wellbeing. I told him that what I think the healthiest thing for me to do is to focus on this website & make this new business work for me. Was that the right answer? I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out. What I can tell you though is I really hope this business works for me. I can feel the burning passion inside of me as I type this blog post out. 🔥 |
AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
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