What Is Autistic Masking, Anyway? Autistic masking, otherwise known as camouflaging, is sometimes used by autistic people to disguise or minimize specific autistic traits or behaviors in social situations. Why Do Some Autistic People Mask? Some reasons autistic people might mask include, but are not limited to:
Who Masks? While any autistic person may mask, it is more likely for autistic people to mask if they:
What Are Some Examples Of Masking?
What Are The Consequences Of Masking?
Masking & Me:
Ways I Masked Growing Up:
Ways I Mask As An Adult:
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One of the last things I learned about when I became aware that I am, in fact, autistic, are the problems autistic people have with self-care. Now, I can tell you that in some ways, being as germaphobic as I am is a real blessing because that is why many of these self-care tasks actually get completed. If I wasn't so finicky about cleanliness, being a hygienic person would be much more of a problem for me. All my adult life, I have had to complete self-care tasks in a certain way in order for them to get done at all, or in order for them to get done in a timely manner, depending on what the task is. I know that if you are an allistic, or a non-autistic person, you are probably wondering what exactly makes self-care so difficult. This is why.
Let's take a moment now to talk about various self-care tasks.
Showering 🚿 Steps Involved:
That is over SIXTY steps (because some of these steps are actually two or three steps) that need to be completed in order to take a shower every night. Doing that EVERY single NIGHT is EXHAUSTING. I take a shower immediately after dinner every single night in order to ensure that my shower is completed in a timely fashion. If I didn't do that autistic inertia would get in my way. I don't use a hair dryer, so I like to shower several hours before going to bed. I don't use a hair dryer because:
The other night, my mom came knocking on the door after I had already taken my clothes off because she had taken her glasses off & couldn't remember where she put them. And she couldn't see to find them. She wanted ME to find them for her of course. I told her I couldn't because I had already taken my clothes off in preparation for my shower. Putting my clothes back on after I had taken them off just wasn't possible due to my executive functioning difficulties & autistic inertia. Asking a neurotypical person to do this might annoy her or him, but for an autistic person like myself, putting my clothes back on after I had taken them off would make it so my shower take many more hours to get completed. And following the routine of getting my shower done by a certain time is EXTREMELY important to me. If I wasn't so germaphobic, my shower might not get done at all with such an interruption, but I have certain rules that I follow. They are:
If my dad hadn't been home & able to find my mom's glasses for her, I know this would've turned into an ugly fight. The entire mindset of not being able to put clothes back on after taking them off is a foreign concept for neurotypical people & is one of the many things that make living in a neurotypical world so stressful & so frustrating. Especially when those people just tell me I'm strange & they don't take the time to understand the way I live or WHY I do the things I do. By the way, my mom's glasses ended up being in her bathrobe pocket, a location I would've NEVER looked in, even if I HAD tried to find them. Childhood Difficulties: Growing up, my dad continued to wash my hair in the kitchen sink until a very old age because I just couldn't tolerate doing it on my own. My mom told the neuropsychiatrist who evaluated me for autism that washing my hair when I was a child was incredibly difficult because I would scream if even one droplet of water made it into my eye. Eventually, my parents forced me to wash my own hair in the shower & that was so, so, SO HARD. And it caused so many fights & so many meltdowns. Putting my head under the shower water felt no different than as if someone was pouring rubbing alcohol over my head. And then it seeped under my eyelashes & into my eyes despite the fact my eyes were squeezed shut. No joke. As time went on, I came up with the coping mechanism of using a face cloth to shield my face from the water & that is something I still use to this day. This is why I decided to call my blog Splashed With Water. I talk more about it in my first blog post, if you would like to go back & read it. Rather than boring you, by giving you the step-by-step breakdown of the rest of the self-care tasks, I'll just talk briefly about the following: Dressing 👚 I have to get dressed the second I wake up because with autistic inertia, it will get to be two o'clock in the afternoon & I'll STILL be in my pajamas. Brushing Teeth 🪥 Until I was in middle school or high school, I used a children's strawberry-flavored toothpaste. My mom forced me to change to a normal "adult" toothpaste at some point around the teenage years. Because it's what normal people use. Until I got more used to it, the minty flavor made it feel like my mouth was literally on fire. 🔥 And I just had to live with it. When I was talking about this during my autism evaluation, my evaluating neuropsychiatrist asked me why I couldn't use a non-mint flavored toothpaste. My response? My mom told me I had to use mint because that's what EVERYONE uses, that's what "normal" people use. I always felt like I was abnormal & needed to force myself to be "normal" in order to be accepted. And my efforts didn't work because I STILL wasn't accepted. I still can't use mouthwash, even though my dentist recommends it because the mint is too strong & it burns my mouth. Mint is a flavor that autistic people tend to be way oversensitive to. Now it all makes sense to me, but my mom still makes fun of me because I adamantly dislike mint-flavored anything, including ice cream & chocolate. How could someone dislike certain flavors of ice cream & chocolate? 🤷🏻♀️ Using The Toilet 🚽 Due to autistic inertia & executive functioning difficulties, I have great difficulty getting up to use the toilet if I'm not already in the standing position, so if I happen to be in the standing position, I literally act like it's a bathroom emergency when it isn't because I know that if I didn't do that, I'm not going to use the bathroom until I take a shower that night, many hours later. I know how ridiculous that sounds, but it's absolutely true. When I was a child, I wouldn't flush the toilet after using it because I was completely terrified of the sound it made. I also wouldn't use the bathroom if my mom happened to be doing laundry at that time. The spontaneous & LOUD sound that the washer & dryer made would scare the living daylights out of me! I am typically reminded several times a week that I am autistic. What I mean by that is things are constantly happening in my life that I know wouldn't happen if I was allistic, or if I wasn't autistic. When these things happen to me, I tend to say in my head, "[This particular thing] happened because I'm autistic." & then I feel all sad & mopey on the inside. I really wish it wasn't this way because it's part of what makes being autistic feel so disabling. But, I blog about my life. And this is the type of thing I deal with every day. This my real life that I'm sharing with you, so here we go. This is the story of how purchasing a new winter coat reminded me that I am in fact, autistic. All winter long, the threads in my winter coat have been repeatedly breaking, leaving large gaping holes behind. Rather than continuously repairing the damage, I decided that it was time for a new coat. This coat is very old, anyway. The best time to purchase a winter coat is at the end of the season, when everything is on clearance, so now is the PERFECT time for a new one. The task of purchasing a new coat that I will wear almost daily for almost half the year is overwhelming to say the least, especially for an autistic person such as myself. These are the three main reasons why:
The Return Process:
This is where it gets really complicated. I purchased these two coats from Walmart's online marketplace. So, it wasn't actually Walmart who I bought the coats from, but I could return it there. I kept the deep purple coat in my car for about a week & a half, so that I wouldn't have to remember about it on the day I actually needed it. Walmart is a close drive for me, but one of my dog walking clients lives less than two miles from Walmart, so I wanted to return this coat on a day that I didn't have to go anywhere after walking this particular client's dog. It took twelve days before I had time to go to Walmart after walking this client's dog. My entire life is based around doing things in the most efficient manner, so that whatever I do outside of my home takes up the least amount of time possible. Because of my depleted energy levels, as well as my executive function difficulties, doing all my errands on a single day when I'm already in the area for another reason (such as visiting a client's dog or cat) is what works best for me. Anyway, after parking my car, I took the deep purple coat (still in the bag it was shipped in), into Walmart & found the customer service desk. The older woman who helped me was incredibly grouchy. Right away, she complained about the size of the coat (what winter coat isn't large?!) & to be completely honest, I was pretty intimidated & frightened by her. I showed her the barcode on my phone that was connected to the coat I wanted to return & she scanned it. But, I was really confused because she kept making comments about how the coat I was returning wasn't red. I never purchased or received any red coats, so I had no idea what she was talking about. I was scared of her though, so I just let her do her thing & I didn't speak up. She printed out a receipt with the coat's tracking number on it & the amount that I would be refunded. I looked the receipt over as I was walking away because I never trust that people are doing their jobs correctly. I was glad that I checked because the refund she issued me was for the incorrect amount. The coat I was returning was $5 more than the coat I was keeping. And the refund I received was for the coat that was at home! I went back to the customer service counter to ask her about it & she told me that the coat I gave her wasn't red. It was then that I realized why she had been talking about a red coat. 💡 The packing slip inside the shipping bag said that I purchased a red coat & a purple coat. Red wasn't even a color option for the coat I had purchased. I was SO confused by this! ⁉️ I had never even looked at the packing slip because I received exactly what I ordered. The woman returned the purple coat (which was at home) because the coat I gave her wasn't red. When I showed her the picture of the coat on my phone with the price I paid for it, she yelled at me & told me I should've shown her that from the very beginning. I thought I did though because I showed her the barcode, which she scanned & I would think that the barcode would tell the customer service person which coat I was returning & how much to refund. ⁉️⁉️ The only reason I didn't question the customer service woman originally was because I was intimidated & scared. I have lived my entire life having to endure pervasive mistreatment from everyone around me & I am quite certain that it has caused post-traumatic stress disorder, something that more than 40% of autistic individuals struggle with. The reason I didn't speak up was because I was simply autistic & afraid. In the end, a much kinder & younger woman (who was also working behind the customer service desk) called the seller I had purchased the coats from to get the remaining $5 refunded. Going to the store to return something is such a simple task, but being autistic turned it into such a big headache. And it was all because the person helping me wasn't kind. This is something that could've been avoided completely if the person helping me had exhibited kindness & had not been so intimidating. This is the type of thing that I deal with on a daily basis because I am living with autism. For those of you who are also autistic, I hope this story helps you feel less alone. And for those of you who are allistic, I hope this story helps illustrate how difficult it is to be an autistic woman living in a neurotypical world. 💙 Happy Halloween! Well, maybe it's a Happy Halloween to you, but it's not for me. I've never liked this haunting holiday. So, there. I've come out & said it. I don't like Halloween! Now, having said that, if you're a Halloween-loving person, that's no biggie. In fact, one of my closest friends has a Halloween birthday & I just love her excitement around this frightful day. But, for me, Halloween just isn't my day. And that's okay, too. This Is Why:
I don't dislike everything about Halloween, so this is what I do like about the holiday:
Halloween Challenges For Autistic People:
How You Can Help:
I had a very interesting conversation with my dad about why I've never been successful in the workplace that I'd like to tell you about. I had been sitting at the coffee table, filling out paperwork about my disabilities all afternoon & the last question stumped me: Use this space to write any additional information about why you cannot work. I had put SO much information on all of the other pages of that form explaining why I cannot work that I simply felt like I didn't have anything else to add unless I repeated myself. So, I asked my dad, "Why do you think I cannot work? I want to see if you have any other ideas that I haven't thought of already." My dad has a better understanding of me than most people do because we're so similar to each other. He took a moment to think & then said, "My impression of it is that it's because you can't handle criticism. And because of that, you work ineffectively, which then causes you to get fired." I had never thought of it that way before, but what my dad said was absolutely true. I can't handle criticism. Before we go any further though, I'd like to clarify something. It isn't that I CAN'T work because truthfully, depending on the specifics of the particular job, I CAN work. What I can't do is work for someone else, in the traditional sense. If it's a job where someone is supervising me, that's the problem. Interactions with supervisors are the biggest issue for me in the workplace. While I had never thought of it like how my dad summed it up before, supervisors criticize, whether they're doing it now or they're going to do it in the future. That's what makes me shutdown around them. Interacting with someone who is either actively criticizing me or will criticize me at some point in time causes my brain to completely shutdown. This makes it impossible for me to function, as terrible as that sounds. Total comfort & feeling like I'm not going to be criticized or judged is key in order for me to not shut down. Shutting down at work just doesn't work, supervisors don't know how to interact with me in a way that doesn't cause me to shutdown, & that's why I can't work. This blog post is about what you need to know before criticizing an autistic person, although chances are, if you're reading this, you have already done it at some point in your life. I'm gonna throw in some info about how it feels to be criticized as an autistic woman, too. Why We're So Sensitive To Criticism: Bad Experiences With Criticism: Bullying & being left out are forms of criticism. Every autistic person you talk to will have something to tell you about experiences with those two things. The teasing, the mocking, the name-calling, the fact that no one wanted to be our friend, & MORE. Both bullying & leaving us out does real harm that affects us, autistic adults, many years later. It still affects me today more than I would like to admit. The bullying I endured when I was seven all the way through my early twenties did real harm & it still haunts me to this day. As a fresh college graduate & as an adult, I was constantly criticized by my parents, as well as by other caring family members. I personally believe that Asian & Jewish families expect more from their children than all other ethnicities do. Think about the number of Asian & Jewish doctors & scientists that are out there! Because I have a Chinese mother & a Jewish father, my parents unknowingly set unrealistic expectations for me from a very young age. Once my college graduation was upon me, I quickly discovered that I couldn't live up to those expectations, but I didn't understand why. Being constantly asked if I was happy with my life (I wasn't & I'm still not) & if I worry about what will happen to me when my parents die (I did & I still do) hurt immensely. Not only that, I had no explanation & no understanding of why I couldn't get to the place I needed to be in order to meet their expectations. Living almost thirty-two years of my life feeling like I was a disappointment to my family was extraordinarily difficult. It was even more difficult that I wasn't only disappointing my family, but I was also disappointing myself because I had the same expectations of myself that my parents had of me. I certainly don't blame my parents for any of this because I know that if they had known that I was autistic all this time, those expectations wouldn't have been put on me like they were. However, feeling like I was always falling short & I was never good enough put such a damaging amount of pressure on me for so long that it still affects me to this day to the point where sometimes I forget that their expectations of me have changed since my autism diagnosis. The Criticism Is Constant: I remember being constantly criticized for my behavior ever since I was a young child. Many other autistics have had the same experiences as I have had with this. "Look at me while I'm talking!" "Why do you have that grimace on your face?" "Why are you smiling? That's not funny!" "You shouldn't have said that. You should've said this." "Your face looks funny. Are you okay?" All of the above things have been said to me numerous times throughout my life. Unfortunately, an autism diagnosis hasn't stopped these types of criticisms from happening. My behavior & every move I make have been criticized so much that I simply can't handle any more of it. We're Stressed:
Us autistic people live very high-stress lives. Things that seem so minuscule to you really stress us out. We're sensitive to a lot of things like light, noise, our physical environment, & emotions. For example, I remember a time where my mom insisted that I attend a neighborhood Christmas party. I really didn't want to go because I was expecting to watch Christmas movies in my pajamas that night & now I had to be dressed & socialize with other people. I wouldn't have had such a problem with this party if it wasn't for the fact that it came on suddenly & I had no time to mentally prepare for the fact that I had to attend this party that night. I was in college at the time, so I was definitely old enough to stay home. It just wasn't okay with my mom. The sudden change in plans caused me stress & displeasure & when I expressed that to my parents, I was criticized for how antisocial I was being. This resulted in a complete meltdown. I felt like no one cared about me that night because no one stopped to listen to my thoughts or feelings. When I eventually made it to the party, I ended up standing like a statue against a wall for the few hours we were there because the criticism I received just prior to arriving at the party made it so that I didn't have the emotional capacity to socialize with anyone. We Have Low Self-Esteem: Many autistic people, myself included, suffer from low self-esteem. This is often the result of external factors, like bullying & being left out when we were younger (discussed in more detail above↑). When we have low perceptions of ourselves, it makes us more sensitive to criticism. Low self-esteem also makes us unable to understand or interpret criticism. Even when criticism is communicated with the best of intentions, ALL criticism can make us extremely anxious, which has long-lasting effects on us, crushing our self-esteem even more. Every single time I'm criticized, I feel like I can't do anything right. In fact, I feel like that regardless of whether or not I'm criticized. I know that this is because of how much I have been criticized during the course of my life. Many other autistic people feel this way, too. Our Feelings Are Often Dismissed: I have gone through my entire life feeling like my feelings don't matter. I have always felt like when I speak up, my thoughts & feelings are brushed to the side. I've been talked over & ignored more times than I can count. This not only makes us extra sensitive to criticism, but it makes us think we're being criticized when we're not being criticized at all. What Is Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria?: Although not a clinical diagnosis, rejection sensitive dysphoria, or RSD, is when perceived rejection or failure causes so much intense emotional pain that it becomes very difficult for a person to cope with his or her feelings. Autism & RSD: Many autistic people struggle with RSD & I certainly believe I am one of them. However, this isn't an issue for every autistic person. Increased rejection & punishment for not meeting neurotypical standards puts autistic people at higher risk for experiencing RSD. Also, since autistic people often have different sensory & perceptual experiences than allistic, or non-autistic people, they often experience more intense emotions. Autistic people with strong emotional sensitivity tend to experience social & interpersonal rejection stronger than allistic people, which can increase rejection sensitivity. Complications Of RSD For Autistic People: While most people do not enjoy being rejected or criticized (I mean, who would?), RSD goes beyond simply disliking rejection. RSD is so intensely emotional & can even be physically painful. The desire to avoid this unbearable pain & discomfort often leads to increased masking behaviors, which puts the autistic person at higher risk for burnout. Additionally, RSD can trigger mental health issues in autistic people including anxiety, depression, & eating disorders. So, before you criticize an autistic person, remember that while no one likes to be criticized, criticism is often much, MUCH harder for us to take than it is for the allistic population to take. And if your criticism causes us to shut down or to act unconventionally, please treat us with love, care, & understanding. It's what we need most of all. 💙 I got my hair cut this morning. While I just LOVE the end result of a haircut, I don't like the process of having it done. This Is Why:
Why Many Autistic Individuals HATE Having Their Hair Cut:
This afternoon, I asked a close family member of mine for relationship advice (something I rarely do), which led to a conversation where he made a statement that I just can't stand. A statement he's made multiple times before. A statement I've corrected many, many times. A statement that causes me to cringe more with each time I hear it. And yet, a statement he continues to say. Specifically, the statement he said was, "The more I learn about autism, the more I believe that everyone is on the autism spectrum." Other ways of saying this are "We’re all a little bit autistic" & "All of us are autistic to a degree." If you've been in the autism community for long enough, you've likely heard one of these statements, or a similar statement that suggests that everyone is autistic. So, going off of that, the topic of today's blog post is about what these kinds of statements really mean & why hearing these statements hurts so much. As much as it hurts to hear statements like these, these are common beliefs among allistic, or non-autistic people, so I wanted to take the time to explain where these beliefs come from & what is so wrong about them. However, before we dive in, I want to make one thing clear. If you've ever said something like, "Everyone is on the autism spectrum" before, this post isn't about telling you that you are bad or wrong. I totally understand where the belief comes from & I know that most people who say statements like these are trying to be compassionate towards the autistic person they're talking with. However, this isn't how it comes across to the autistic person. Let's Take A Moment To Explore What The World Would Likely Be Like If Everyone Really Were On The Autism Spectrum:
To really understand why everyone simply cannot be on the autism spectrum, we have to understand what the autism spectrum really is. We already discussed this in my April 3rd blog post entitled What Does It Mean To Be Autistic?, but it never hurts to review what we already know, so...
What Exactly Is The Autism Spectrum?: Autism spectrum disorder is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disability caused by differences in the wiring of the brain that cause difficulties with social communication & interaction. It also causes restricted or repetitive behaviors or interests. The key problem with stating that everyone is on the autism spectrum is the fact that autism spectrum disorder is a neurodevelopmental disability. In order to be autistic, you have to have a certain combination of autistic traits that impacts your daily life on a significant level. A Couple Important Points To Remember:
Hearing That Everyone Is On The Autism Spectrum Hurts So Much Because... It is dismissive & it minimizes our struggles. It also translates to everyone being just like us when we know that couldn't be further from the truth. Also, if everyone were autistic, how could we still be so misunderstood? Whether someone was diagnosed as a child or as an adult, (s)he has gone through a lifetime of feeling different from his or her peers. Telling us that everyone is on the autism spectrum, or any similar statement dismisses these differences & the significant difficulties that come with them. What You Should Do Or Say Instead: Offer a listening ear & a shoulder to cry on. Autistic people, myself included, often feel alone, unheard, & like their perspectives don't matter. They have more than likely had a difficult life beginning in early childhood. Help the autistic person feel less alone by truly listening & by showing him or her that you care. Truly listening & being compassionate are the best things you can do & will likely combat the loneliness that the autistic person is currently experiencing. You probably know that the five senses are sight, hearing, touch, smell, & taste, but did you know that there are actually eight senses? The three hidden senses are: The Vestibular Sense: Vestibular receptors, located in our inner ears, help us process movement & balance. The vestibular system helps us to distinguish between speed & the direction of movement. Many autistic people are either vestibular under- or over-responders. People who are vestibular under-responders seek intense or prolonged vestibular stimulation & may enjoy frequent rocking, swinging, bouncing, jumping, or other activities involving intense movement. People who are vestibular over-responders may react negatively to a wide range of vestibular input. They are often prone to motion sickness & have anxiety during activities that involve movement through space, such as walking down the stairs. They also tend to struggle with body control & coordination. I am someone who struggles a great deal with vestibular sensitivities. This is why numerous times throughout this blog, I have referred to vestibular processing issues & anxiety around certain things causing dizziness. Because I keep referring to vestibular sensitivities, I thought it would be good to take a step back & actually explain what I mean by that. The Proprioception Sense: Proprioception receptors, located in our muscles & joints, provide information about where our bodies are in space. This system impacts our sense of body awareness & coordination. It also helps to create smooth movement. Many autistic people are either proprioception under- or over-responders. People who are proprioception under-responders struggle with knowing how much pressure to apply. They may break pencils or use too much pressure when shaking someone’s hand, for example. They may enjoy jumping, bumping, & crashing into people & objects. They tend to be unaware of safety & can be accident-prone. Children tend to prefer rough play & seem to be constantly wrestling with siblings or other children. They tend to stand too close to others & touch them without permission. And they may crave pressure & bear hugs. People who are proprioception over-responders may are easily overwhelmed by touch & movement. They tend to avoid physical contact, like hugs & other types of contact or pressure. They also tend to become anxious in crowded spaces or when standing close to others. Children who are proprioception over-responders tend to avoid physical play & appear timid around others. They also may dislike slides, swings, other playground equipment, & phys ed class in school. I also struggle with proprioception sensitivities, but because I am now an adult, these issues are much less bothersome now than they were when I was a child. The Interoception Sense: Interoception receptors, located on our internal organs, provide us with information about our internal body & emotional states. These receptors tell us when we're hungry, thirsty, hot, cold, in pain, or needing to use the bathroom. They also tell us if we're happy, sad, or anxious. People who are interoception under-responders may be unaware of pain & temperature signals, not know when they're hungry or thirsty, be unaware of the urge to eliminate until it is urgent, or have alexithymia, otherwise known as the inability to identify his or her own emotions. People who are interoception over-responders may always be hungry, thirsty, or having to use the bathroom. They also tend to experience more pain & pain lasts longer. It is common for over-responders to have frequent sicknesses because even the mildest of illnesses cause them to feel terrible. Stereotypical Sensory Sensitivities:
In movies & on tv, you'll notice that autistic characters are often very sensitive to light & sound. Because of this, they often wear sunglasses, noise-canceling headphones, or ear plugs to relieve themselves from intense sensory input. Autistic people also tend to be very sensitive to touch, where they can only tolerate clothing made from certain types of fabric & they cannot tolerate tags in their clothing or seams in their socks. It is also very common for autistic people to dislike being touched. Lastly, autistic people commonly dislike very strong flavors in the foods they eat. They tend to not like spicy, sour, or minty food. The beige food diet is common for autistic people. People who prefer this diet stick to eating only food that is beige in color, such as plain pasta, bread, & chicken nuggets. My Sensory Sensitivities: I don't experience this world as a stereotypical autistic person, in the sensory sense. Most sensory sensitivities that are common to autistic people are not issues for me. In fact, I was not aware of many of my sensory sensitivities being at all related to autism until I began learning more about autism, as I was pursuing a diagnosis. Until pretty recently, I thought that what I was experiencing were quirks in my likes, dislikes, & behavior. The sense that is definitely the most sensitive & bothersome for me is the vestibular sense. Sight: I do not have any visual sensitivities. Bright lights do not bother me, like they tend to bother the stereotypical autistic person. However, when I was growing up, certain frequencies of lighting would bother me because they caused dizzy spells, which you can read more about in my previous blog post about how the coronavirus pandemic turned me into a "normal" person. For example, the first time I ever successfully ate in a Rainforest Cafe, I was in my twenties. My dad & I were visiting family in Texas & we were in San Antonio for the day. We wanted to eat lunch along the River Walk & the restaurant everyone decided to eat at was the Rainforest Cafe. Something about the atmosphere in that restaurant caused dizzy spells because this was the first time I had ever eaten in that restaurant without getting sick. Because of my history with that restaurant, both my dad & I had anxiety about eating in there, but it was a success! I think it was probably the Rainforest Cafe's lighting that was the issue, but I don't know for sure. Also, while I don't have issues with bright lights, I do have issues with blinking or flashing lights & lights that are moving, particularly in circles. That is more of a vestibular issue though, which I'll discuss more below. Hearing: I do not have any auditory sensitivities. In fact, I really love listening to loud music! Touch: I do not have any of the stereotypical tactile sensitivities involving the clothing I wear. I can generally wear all fabrics of clothing & I am not bothered by tags or by the seams in my socks. I am sensitive to the sheets on my bed touching my feet though, so I have to sleep with socks on. However, as I mentioned in my first blog post, I am very sensitive to water touching me, particularly on my face & in my eyes. Because of that, I can't wash my face with soap in the sink. I have to use a washcloth instead. I also dislike the feeling of breezes. For example, I don't drive with the windows open & I actually point the vents away from the driver's seat in my car. I am also picky about who touches me & how I'm touched. I love experiencing physical affection from family & people I'm close with. However, hugging people that I do not have a certain level of established comfort with is uncomfortable. I also greatly prefer hugs over kisses & dislike romantic touch. I remember that on the first day of school when I was a sophomore in high school, my biology teacher put her hand on my shoulder as I was walking to my desk. I disliked that so much that I couldn't stop thinking about that for the whole rest of the year. If she had done that after I had an established relationship with her, I wouldn't have thought anything of it & it probably would've even made me feel good. But, because it was the first day of school & I didn't have a relationship with this teacher, it really bothered me. Smell: I do not have any olfactory sensitivities. Taste: The gustatory sense is the one sense where I am a stereotypical autistic person. I dislike strong flavors of food & I tend to stay away from spicy & sour food. If I'm eating in a restaurant & the waitress asks me if I would like a lemon in my water, I always decline it. In cases where I am not asked whether or not I would like a lemon & my water arrives with a lemon in the glass, I always take the lemon out. I also don't like mint, even in chocolate or in ice cream! I tolerate it in toothpaste though. Lastly, I really like my drinks cold (with A LOT of ice) & my food hot (temperature-wise). Vestibular: The vestibular sense is the sense that is by far the most sensitive & interferes with my daily living the most. In fact, that is why the graphic I chose to use for this blog post is supposed to resemble spinning. I am definitely a vestibular over-responder & I have a lot of fears that are all caused by this sensitivity. I listed many of these fears in my previous blog post about how the coronavirus pandemic turned me into a "normal" person. I could write a novel about everything that causes dizziness, so I tried to pick the things that stuck out the most in my mind. I know what I generally can & can't handle, so I either try to avoid certain things or I use coping mechanisms to deal with certain situations that most people would think nothing of. This is also why I don't know how to ride a bike. Embarrassing, but true. An example of a coping mechanism I use is how I deal with glass elevators, which really bother me. I have learned to find a screw or another stationary object inside the elevator to focus my eyes on until the elevator stops moving. An example of a situation that caused vestibular oversensitivity took place at a family wedding when I was in middle school. My mom's cousin's husband wanted to dance with me & took me to the dance floor. I remember really struggling with that dance because he didn't know to not spin me & I wasn't comfortable enough with him to tell him to stop. My grandpa, who I call Gung-Gung, took me to dance right afterwards & he didn't spin me because he knew how sensitive I was. The difference & the relief that I experienced when I danced with my Gung-Gung was phenomenal. Proprioception: I have significant proprioception sensitivities, but luckily, these things no longer affect my adult life. When I was a child, I felt unsafe on playground & climbing equipment if other children were also using it. I was also unable to engage in age-appropriate physical play with other children. Phys ed was traumatizing. In fact, what I remember about my elementary school phys ed teacher is that she scolded me for running away from a fast-moving soccer ball & she didn't scold my peers for laughing at me. I was truly terrified of that ball & I was only doing what I could do to protect myself. In high school, the transition between classes & the transition from class to the buses or the parking lot was terrifying because I thought I was going to get hurt from navigating down a staircase among a fast-moving stampede of teenagers. Interoception: I do not have significant issues with interoception, but I occasionally will experience alexithymia. I don't have any trouble identifying intense emotions, but I sometimes will have difficulty distinguishing between closely-related emotions or more neural emotions. |
AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
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