Happy Halloween! Well, maybe it's a Happy Halloween to you, but it's not for me. I've never liked this haunting holiday. So, there. I've come out & said it. I don't like Halloween! Now, having said that, if you're a Halloween-loving person, that's no biggie. In fact, one of my closest friends has a Halloween birthday & I just love her excitement around this frightful day. But, for me, Halloween just isn't my day. And that's okay, too. This Is Why:
I don't dislike everything about Halloween, so this is what I do like about the holiday:
Halloween Challenges For Autistic People:
How You Can Help:
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I applied for disability this past December, shortly after I received my autism diagnosis. Now, the disability process is a very lengthy one. It typically takes just under a year for a decision to be made. Ever since I first applied, I have periodically been checking the status of my application via the Social Security Administration website. And I can now see that we're getting closer & closer to my application being fully processed, which brings me to what this post is about. My neighbor's son is just a few years younger than me & is also autistic. Knowing that my neighbor likely has a much greater understanding of my struggles than most people, I have gone to her for advice a few times. My mom & I had a very interesting conversation with her a couple evenings ago. Something I've never thought of until now was brought up, which I'd like to tell you about. My neighbor's advice to my mom & me was that when we're talking to people or filling out paperwork related to autism services or benefits (like disability or supplemental income), we have to remember to put the emphasis on what I CAN'T do rather than what I CAN do. She told us that she has a difficult time talking about what her autistic son CAN'T do & instinctively puts the emphasis on what he CAN do. Both my mom & I were very confused by this statement. My mom even asked my neighbor to clarify what she meant. When my neighbor kept going on & on about this, I realized that she probably had no idea that this wasn't a problem at all for me, so I interrupted her. I told her that I have the exact opposite problem. I have a difficult time talking about what I CAN do & always put the emphasis on what I CAN'T do. "Oh, so you have the opposite problem," my neighbor said in agreement. When I took a moment to pause & reflect on this conversation, I came to a realization. The difference in perspective between me & my neighbor is simply when the autism diagnosis was received. Her son was diagnosed with autism as a young child, while I was diagnosed with autism well into adulthood.
While I'm not a mother myself, I can imagine that as a mother, my neighbor wants to think positively for her son. Her positivity will then positively impact her son by making him feel loved & capable of doing whatever he wants to do with his life. For me, my autism diagnosis came from such a negative place. In fact, I believe that I wouldn't have received a diagnosis at all at this point in my life if I was someone who put the emphasis on what I CAN do. After I received my autism diagnosis, I've found myself constantly telling autism resource people about everything I CAN'T do. But, I can't remember telling anyone about what I CAN do. Sometimes, it has even led to heated, ugly arguments that have left me feeling more misunderstood, invalidated, & defeated than ever before. For example, I:
While yes, this is an extremely negative way of thinking, it is important to remember that if I didn't have such a long list of things I CAN'T do, I wouldn't be autistic. And I wouldn't have spent my entire life struggling & wondering why I am unable to get to where I want to be in life. It may not look like it from the outside, but autism is an invisible disability that really hinders what things I am capable of doing & how much of it can be done in a day. Ever since I was a child, I've had very specific limits, which include interacting with people, physical activity, & more. I've always known that surpassing those limits would cause trouble, but identifying those limits & advocating for myself wasn’t something I learned to do until I was in my upper teens. Living life in a constant spoon deficit is no easy feat, but I'm taking it day by day & trying my very best. I'd like to end this post by reiterating that while many people impacted by autism focus on what they or their loved one CAN do, it’s the CAN'Ts that are important to me. Every person is different, autistic or allistic, & we all have different perspectives on our abilities & on the life we're living. And that is perfectly normal & okay. We're all doing our very best & we're doing what works for us & that’s what matters most of all. 💙 My dogs are a breed that requires grooming because they have hair that grows rather than fur that sheds. They typically go to the grooming salon every eight to twelve weeks. Now, those of you who don't have dogs might not be aware of this, but most grooming salons keep dogs in crates for hours until it is his or her turn to get groomed. Because of this, dogs are typically at the salon all day long. I think this is COMPLETELY UNACCEPTABLE. I've brought my ten-year-old dog, Teddy to the same grooming salon ever since he was a tiny puppy, so that's how my expectations of dog groomers were set. This particular groomer took dogs by appointment only & Teddy never took longer than an hour to be finished. Once I had two dogs, they took an hour & a half to be finished. Last year, this groomer who was located about thirty minutes away from us ended up relocating to a town that was another thirty minutes away from us. She later had to close down completely due to medical reasons. My Journey Finding A New Grooming Salon: This was no fun task, particularly for an undiagnosed autistic woman like myself who dislikes change & is extraordinarily picky when it comes to her dogs' care. Seriously, NO ONE can do it right. This is also why I rarely travel. I don't trust anyone to take care of my dogs. Grooming Salon #1: We tried this salon a little over a year & seven months ago when our groomer had COVID & our normal salon suggested we give them a call. They also suggested that we stay with them if we like them, but my response was, "No way, we like you too much!" We didn't know our groomer was planning to relocate at this point, but now them making this suggestion makes a lot of sense. The groomer there barely cut their hair even though I gave her a reference photo, so Teddy & Ollie walked out looking almost exactly the way they looked when they walked in. This salon typically keeps dogs there for way longer than I'm comfortable with, but because they knew we had anxious dogs & both my mom & I were stressed over it, they told us that they would get them done as quickly as possible, which they did. It only took two hours. I knew they couldn't do that if we were regular clients, so this salon wasn't an option. Grooming Salon #2: One of my dog sitting clients takes her dogs to this salon & it is run by appointment, like I am used to. I brought my dogs here a few times & while they looked super duper cute after their cuts, there were several things about this salon that made me a little uneasy:
Grooming Salon #3: This salon was a salon that I had preconceived notions about because I know a lot of people who bring their dogs here. I absolutely DID NOT want my dogs to get groomed at this salon because of how uncomfortable it made me. The reason I was so uncomfortable was because one of my neighbors told me that their dog took four & a half hours here. My neighbor's dog is only slightly larger than my boys, so how long it takes to groom her should be comparable. ⭐️⭐️ Once an autistic person has preconceived notions about something, it is absolutely impossible to change her or his mind! Many neurotypical people think this is stubbornness, but I can tell you it is not stubbornness. This is in fact autism at its finest & it makes me just as uncomfortable as it makes you. ⭐️⭐️ I'll never forget the day that my mom called me to tell me that she thinks we should bring the boys here for grooming. She was trying to convince me that this salon was just perfect. It was clean, well-decorated, & obviously very well taken care of. The woman she talked to was nice, friendly, & helpful. I was not convinced, but not only that, I was furiously mad. Remember, you can't change an autistic person's mind once (s)he has preconceived notions about something (see above↑)! My mom told me I should stop by to see it for myself because she was impressed. So, I stopped by on my way to my client's house who lives just down the street from this salon. Stopping by solidified my negative feelings about this salon. When I got there, it was super hectic, which didn't give me a good first impression. Hectic environments are always a turnoff for me (that's my autism speaking again). But, here's what really made me upset:
My Experience Taking My Dogs To Grooming Salon #3:
My experience taking my dogs to this salon was just horrible. I felt like I was the only one who felt this way though because almost everyone else I know who uses them just LOVES them. I'm used to this though & that's another autistic trait— my opinion often differs from everyone else's. I used to look forward to Teddy & Ollie having grooming appointments. They both looked so dapper afterwards! But, now I dreaded grooming days. I usually had knots in my stomach that started anywhere from a week before the appointment to a day before the appointment. I knew my dogs were crated here, which really bothered me. I know that small dogs like mine are safer in a crate, but what I wanted in a grooming salon was for it to be safe for my dogs to not be crated. Plus, I needed predictability & I never knew how long they were going to take. Predictably is very important to autistic people & unpredictability drives us crazy. I couldn't handle the unpredictability of bringing my dogs here. Also, I am so attached to my dogs that if I'm home & my dogs aren’t, I am very distraught. So, I needed a distraction the entire time my dogs were there. That wasn’t possible. I based my tip on how long my dogs took. If they took two hours or less, I gave a 20% tip & if they took any longer than that I gave a lower tip. Since I've always paid for both dogs, my mom has told me how much to tip. We've brought them here several times & they only took less than two hours once. That was the only time I gave the tip my mom suggested. I was always in such a bad mood on grooming days that it caused me to get into these really bad arguments with my mom & I would snap over the most minuscule of things. Thinking back, I think there wasn't a single time my dogs got groomed at this salon where this didn’t happen. I knew I couldn’t continue bringing my dogs here. It just wasn’t good for me, or for anyone. But, it was important to me that both dogs got groomed together & because of that, I had no other choice. I HATED it. This is a very good example of how I feel so unheard & like my opinion & my feelings don't matter. The fact that I downright HATED this salon didn't matter to my mom & that hurt. Finding Grooming Salon #4 😇: My mom called me one morning a little less than a week ago & said to me, "I found a grooming salon you'll LOVE! I know what you like & you'll love both the salon & the groomer here." Unlike the time she called me to tell me about Grooming Salon #3, the vibe I got from her that morning was completely different. I totally trusted my mom this time, so there was absolutely no convincing needed. But, she wanted to bring me & the pups to this salon to see it & to meet the groomer. This salon was perfect. I LOVEd the groomer, too. She also listened to us when we told her that the easiest way to tell our dogs apart is by their tails. The salon was clean & well taken care of. The groomer had her Cavalier with her that day, but also had a Bichon at home that she takes with her sometimes, too. We let Teddy & Ollie run around in the grooming area & they both looked happy. They were probably super confused as to why they were at a grooming salon & left without a haircut though. They both hate getting groomed! Our First Appointment At Grooming Salon #4: We went to visit the salon this past Wednesday & we booked an appointment for this morning, the following Tuesday. We also cancelled yesterday’s appointment we had scheduled for our dogs at Grooming Salon #3. I was beyond excited for that. The groomer brought her Bichon with her today because she remembered that I made a comment last week about how our dogs love other small, white dogs. She also knew which dog was Teddy & which one was Ollie immediately, so she remembered how to tell them apart by their tails. I gave her a reference photo of a haircut they had at our original groomer & they both came out looking super duper cute. Their hair wasn't cut short enough, but it usually isn't on a first visit to a new salon. That can be easily fixed though. How long did it take us to find this salon? Slightly less than a year & seven months. I'm hopeful that we'll continue to be happy here. Did almost no salon fit my needs because I'm autistic? I don't know, but I think that's quite possibly the case. That's also why I told you all this. To show you how being autistic can complicate someone's life & to show you just how frustrating & aggravating it can be. No, it really doesn't. At least not in my view. That was just a fun play on words I thought of for today's topic. One of the things that is common among autistic people is their tendency for having a lot of rules & rituals that control their lives. For me personally, I don't have a lot of those, except in two very specific areas of my life. One of those areas is my dogs, which brings us to yesterday evening's frustration. Yesterday evening, my mom told me that she bought my dogs a new box of dog biscuits. Any neurotypical person would be thankful to have a mom who did that for them & I would've, as well, if she had bought the right type of treats. Now, I know how ridiculous this sounds, especially to any neurotypical dog parent who is reading this. But, & I'm not kidding; I am only one in my family who can buy dog food & treats correctly. There are very specific things I look for when purchasing dog food & treats. These Are My Rules For Purchasing Dog Food & Treats:
I don't allow my dogs to eat any dog food or treat that doesn't fit follow ALL FOUR of those rules. Clearly, my dogs eat better than I do. The particular type of dog biscuits my mom purchased didn't fit into three out of four of those rules. I know being this particular & getting this upset over a box of dog treats might seem ridiculous. But, I have done SO much dog food & treat research over the years that my dogs eating biscuits in the box that my mom bought would've been torturous for me. Feeling this way is absolutely not ridiculous for an autistic person. The next part of this situation that was upsetting was that I had to go exchange the box of dog biscuits RIGHT THEN. At six o'clock in the evening. After I thought I was home for the rest of the night. After I was already in that shopping plaza three hours earlier & needed to go the the shopping plaza again the next day, to visit a cat sitting client. Or my dogs would have to be fed those biscuits that I didn't want them to eat because there were no dog biscuits in the house & no one told me. I am extremely conservative with gas & drive with efficiency. So, driving to the same shopping plaza multiple times in the same day when I had to go to that plaza again the next day anyway made no sense to me. I tried to make sense with my mom, but couldn't. Yes, I still live with my parents. (Thanks, Autism.) So, off I went to PetSmart to exchange a box of dog biscuits. I picked out something that fit all of my qualifications, paid the $1.06 difference & drove home. When I got home, my mom happily asked me what I dog biscuits I picked out, so I showed her. This whole situation put me in a bad mood for the whole rest of the night & I am still frustrated about the tiny amount of unnecessary extra gas I had to use yesterday evening. The reason why? Anger rumination. A term I had never heard of until I knew I was autistic. It is something that a lot of other autistic people also struggle with.
What Is Anger Rumination?: Anger rumination is the tendency to dwell on upsetting & frustrating experiences that happened in the past. Why Am I Telling You This?: No, I am not telling you about this to vent about my evening yesterday. I am telling you about this because this is what it's like to be an autistic woman. I hope this helped you get a little glimpse into my life, the life of an autistic woman. |
AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
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