Internalized ableism is something that most, if not all, disabled, chronically ill, & neurodivergent people have experienced. But, first of all... What IS Ableism? Ableism is the discrimination of & the social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that "typical abilities" are superior. Examples Of Ableist Comments About Autism & Autistic People:
Sadly, several of the above comments are said to me on a consistent basis. A few of them many, many years before I even knew I was autistic. And I have no choice but to take it. Hearing those things hurts. It really, really hurts. Examples Of Ableist Quotes By Temple Grandin, The "Face" Of Autism:
Now that we know what ableism is...
What IS Internalized Ableism? Internalized ableism is when people with disabilities absorb & believe the negative stereotypes & prejudices society holds about them. Examples Of Internalized Ableism For Autistic People:
ALL except for three of the above statements are true for me, in my experience of growing up autistic, & BEING AUTISTIC. This is one reason why it is so important to be kind & to not use ableist language. Your words really, truly matter. A LOT.
0 Comments
Temple Grandin, that is. When many autistic people disclose that they are autistic, a common question they receive is, "Have you heard of Temple Grandin?" If you don't know who Temple Grandin is, she is an American animal science professor, public speaker, & author who is widely thought of as the "face" of autism. So, when many people think of autism or autistic people, they think of her. This is why many autistic people are asked if they have heard of her when they first disclose that they are autistic. When I was asked this question, I had not heard of her, probably because this was towards the beginning of my autistic journey of self-discovery. All of the literature I was choosing to read were written by women in their thirties & forties. Women who were much closer in age to me & therefore, their life experiences were very relatable to mine. Temple is in her seventies, so I know her life experiences are drastically different from mine growing up. However, as time went on, I have learned more & more about her & now I can tell you that there is so much about her that just doesn't sit right with me. Many other autistic people look up to her & call her a "hero" or an "inspiration," & this may surprise you, but Temple Grandin most certainly isn't a hero of mine. Before I tell you why that is, I would like to tell you about the positive things Temple Grandin has done for the autistic community.
Why Temple Grandin Isn't My Hero:
While, yes, Temple Grandin, one of the first openly autistic people, has done many great things for the autistic community, she will most certainly NOT be my hero until she changes her ableist views about autistic people. I am typically reminded several times a week that I am autistic. What I mean by that is things are constantly happening in my life that I know wouldn't happen if I was allistic, or if I wasn't autistic. When these things happen to me, I tend to say in my head, "[This particular thing] happened because I'm autistic." & then I feel all sad & mopey on the inside. I really wish it wasn't this way because it's part of what makes being autistic feel so disabling. But, I blog about my life. And this is the type of thing I deal with every day. This my real life that I'm sharing with you, so here we go. This is the story of how purchasing a new winter coat reminded me that I am in fact, autistic. All winter long, the threads in my winter coat have been repeatedly breaking, leaving large gaping holes behind. Rather than continuously repairing the damage, I decided that it was time for a new coat. This coat is very old, anyway. The best time to purchase a winter coat is at the end of the season, when everything is on clearance, so now is the PERFECT time for a new one. The task of purchasing a new coat that I will wear almost daily for almost half the year is overwhelming to say the least, especially for an autistic person such as myself. These are the three main reasons why:
The Return Process:
This is where it gets really complicated. I purchased these two coats from Walmart's online marketplace. So, it wasn't actually Walmart who I bought the coats from, but I could return it there. I kept the deep purple coat in my car for about a week & a half, so that I wouldn't have to remember about it on the day I actually needed it. Walmart is a close drive for me, but one of my dog walking clients lives less than two miles from Walmart, so I wanted to return this coat on a day that I didn't have to go anywhere after walking this particular client's dog. It took twelve days before I had time to go to Walmart after walking this client's dog. My entire life is based around doing things in the most efficient manner, so that whatever I do outside of my home takes up the least amount of time possible. Because of my depleted energy levels, as well as my executive function difficulties, doing all my errands on a single day when I'm already in the area for another reason (such as visiting a client's dog or cat) is what works best for me. Anyway, after parking my car, I took the deep purple coat (still in the bag it was shipped in), into Walmart & found the customer service desk. The older woman who helped me was incredibly grouchy. Right away, she complained about the size of the coat (what winter coat isn't large?!) & to be completely honest, I was pretty intimidated & frightened by her. I showed her the barcode on my phone that was connected to the coat I wanted to return & she scanned it. But, I was really confused because she kept making comments about how the coat I was returning wasn't red. I never purchased or received any red coats, so I had no idea what she was talking about. I was scared of her though, so I just let her do her thing & I didn't speak up. She printed out a receipt with the coat's tracking number on it & the amount that I would be refunded. I looked the receipt over as I was walking away because I never trust that people are doing their jobs correctly. I was glad that I checked because the refund she issued me was for the incorrect amount. The coat I was returning was $5 more than the coat I was keeping. And the refund I received was for the coat that was at home! I went back to the customer service counter to ask her about it & she told me that the coat I gave her wasn't red. It was then that I realized why she had been talking about a red coat. 💡 The packing slip inside the shipping bag said that I purchased a red coat & a purple coat. Red wasn't even a color option for the coat I had purchased. I was SO confused by this! ⁉️ I had never even looked at the packing slip because I received exactly what I ordered. The woman returned the purple coat (which was at home) because the coat I gave her wasn't red. When I showed her the picture of the coat on my phone with the price I paid for it, she yelled at me & told me I should've shown her that from the very beginning. I thought I did though because I showed her the barcode, which she scanned & I would think that the barcode would tell the customer service person which coat I was returning & how much to refund. ⁉️⁉️ The only reason I didn't question the customer service woman originally was because I was intimidated & scared. I have lived my entire life having to endure pervasive mistreatment from everyone around me & I am quite certain that it has caused post-traumatic stress disorder, something that more than 40% of autistic individuals struggle with. The reason I didn't speak up was because I was simply autistic & afraid. In the end, a much kinder & younger woman (who was also working behind the customer service desk) called the seller I had purchased the coats from to get the remaining $5 refunded. Going to the store to return something is such a simple task, but being autistic turned it into such a big headache. And it was all because the person helping me wasn't kind. This is something that could've been avoided completely if the person helping me had exhibited kindness & had not been so intimidating. This is the type of thing that I deal with on a daily basis because I am living with autism. For those of you who are also autistic, I hope this story helps you feel less alone. And for those of you who are allistic, I hope this story helps illustrate how difficult it is to be an autistic woman living in a neurotypical world. 💙 On my way home from my dog walking client's house today, I stopped at the grocery store to pick up a few things. I typically do this once a week. I wouldn't survive the grocery store without self-checkout. I seriously wouldn't. When I go shopping, I don't like to interact with store employees & actually cringe if an employee asks me if I'm finding everything I'm looking for alright. The Grocery Store Without Self-Checkout: About ten years ago, I worked as a cashier in a grocery store called Market Basket (worst experience of my life!). I would not recommend working as a cashier to any diagnosed or undiagnosed autistic person, but I'll tell you more about that later. Anyway, Market Basket prides itself as a full-service supermarket. When I worked there, I was told that Market Basket supermarkets do not have self-checkout because it is poor customer service. This is because it goes against their people taking care of people mentality. When I first heard about Market Basket's stance on self-checkout, I thought that that was the worst idea EVER. My opinion hasn't changed since. I am someone who depends on self-checkout, so any store assuming that people prefer cashiers over self-checkout isn't catering to all of their potential customers' needs. People who prefer to be checked out by a cashier would wait in the cashier line, while people like myself, who prefer to utilize self-checkout, whatever the reason may be, would go to that section of the store for check out instead. A new Market Basket opened in the town my parents & I live in & my mom's completely obsessed. She does all her shopping there now, even though it is a little further away than Stop & Shop, the grocery store she used to do all her shopping at. Several weeks ago, my mom suggested to me that I shop at Market Basket, as well. I asked her if Market Basket had self-checkout because I didn't feel comfortable shopping there if it didn't. I shared with her what I was told about self-checkout when I was a Market Basket employee. At first, my mom said that there was definitely a self-checkout section. However, she then realized that it wasn't self-checkout, but was express checkout. I still haven't stepped foot in that grocery store for that very reason. I mean, it doesn't make sense for me to go in there knowing that I'm not gonna be able to buy anything because the supermarket doesn't cater to my needs. When I mentioned the self-checkout issue to my dad, he said that whether or not having or not having self-checkout is good or bad customer service depends on who you're asking. I completely agree. I think that supermarkets who do not have a self-checkout section are actually providing poor customer service because they are not catering to all of their customers' needs. This is the exact opposite thing Market Basket is trying to achieve. I would think that extroverted & technology-illiterate people would be the type of people who would prefer cashiers over self-checkout. However, would these people think that the mere existence of a self-checkout section in a store is poor customer service? I don't think so. Curbside Shopping Or Self-Checkout?: There were many aspects of the coronavirus pandemic that made my life better. No longer needing to walk into stores to pick up the items I needed was one of the many things about COVID that benefitted me. I understand that there are many people who lost people they loved because of the virus. Luckily, I was not someone who lost anyone due to COVID, although I deeply sympathize with those who did. With the exception of the existence of the germ (that still sadly dictates my life), our way of life was actually better for me than the way we lived prior to the pandemic. The creation of curbside shopping was one of those things. Not having to go into stores to do my shopping & only having to have minimal interaction with one store employee who brought my items to my car was a literal dream. However, the thing that was less convenient was having to pick the time I will be at the store, several days ahead of time. I could never be spontaneous about when I was going to pick up my items, which is the kind of shopper I am. I like to be efficient with my time & with the gas in my car & it's hard to do that several days ahead of time, when I don't know for sure what the day is going to look like. These days, I prefer self-checkout over curbside shopping because it gives me much more flexibility. Plus, I generally feel safe in stores as long as I'm wearing a mask & I don't have prolonged contact with anyone. My Experience With Self-Checkout TODAY:
Even with how much I LOVE self-checkout, there are many problems with it. One of the problems is that the scale is WAY over-sensitive. The scale on a self-checkout station knows how much every item should weigh & it freaks out if it senses something that weighs even slightly more than it should. I get that this is the store's way of preventing theft, but there has to be a better way than having these machines freaking out at people all the time. I know that many cities & towns instituted this a long time ago, but my town JUST started charging for disposable grocery bags last month. Items fit much more nicely into paper grocery bags than they fit into insulated reusable grocery bags, which I was trying to use because it was ninety degrees outside. Most of the items I purchased were items that were prone to melting, plus insulated bags were the only kind of bags I had with me. I still have not gotten the hang of bagging groceries into reusable bags in a way that doesn't make the machine freak out. When the machine freaks out, I'm used to the person overlooking the self-checkout area coming over to the machine & simply putting his or her key in, so that I can continue scanning the rest of my items. The woman in charge of the self-checkout area today didn't do that, however. Instead, she insisted on having a conversation with me where she was telling me how to bag groceries & she became very accusatory. She even told me that she was trying to help me solve a problem, when I didn't think there was any problem that needed solving. The machine simply sensed some of my own body weight when I was trying to make the items fit into the bag better & it thought it detected an unpaid item. Any smart person could've told her that. However, this woman who came over to help me even showed me the surveillance video of me (on the self-checkout monitor) bagging groceries, like she was trying to prove to me that I was attempting to steal a $4 item. The item in my right hand was the item that I had just scanned that caused the machine to freak out. And the item in my left hand was the item that I was about to scan that I hadn't scanned yet. This is the way I have scanned groceries for years, including when I was a Market Basket cashier. This is the first time I have ever had a problem with this method. She then continued on by telling me that I only scanned one of the items I was holding & then proceeds to scroll through the entire list of items I had scanned thus far. I didn't think I was doing anything suspicious. I was simply an autistic woman who wanted to be left alone, so I could go about my day. I was beyond flustered with this woman & with my experience in the self-checkout area today, but am I going to go to a cashier the next time I go grocery shopping? Absolutely not; I'm simply going to cross my fingers AND my toes that this woman isn't there or if she is, she leaves me alone. That is how much I dislike interacting with cashiers when I shop. When There Is No Self-Checkout Option: A store not having a self-checkout option isn't a problem for me. It's the stores who think of self-checkout as a negative thing that I have a problem with. I can name several stores that don't have a self-checkout option, off the top of my head. PetSmart, Michaels, & Kohl's don't have self-checkout, for example. The last time I purchased items at any of those three stores, or at most other stores that don't have the self-checkout option; I utilized the purchase online, pick-up in store option. When paying via cashier is necessary, of course I oblige, but I only do that when it is absolutely necessary. No, it really doesn't. At least not in my view. That was just a fun play on words I thought of for today's topic. One of the things that is common among autistic people is their tendency for having a lot of rules & rituals that control their lives. For me personally, I don't have a lot of those, except in two very specific areas of my life. One of those areas is my dogs, which brings us to yesterday evening's frustration. Yesterday evening, my mom told me that she bought my dogs a new box of dog biscuits. Any neurotypical person would be thankful to have a mom who did that for them & I would've, as well, if she had bought the right type of treats. Now, I know how ridiculous this sounds, especially to any neurotypical dog parent who is reading this. But, & I'm not kidding; I am only one in my family who can buy dog food & treats correctly. There are very specific things I look for when purchasing dog food & treats. These Are My Rules For Purchasing Dog Food & Treats:
I don't allow my dogs to eat any dog food or treat that doesn't fit follow ALL FOUR of those rules. Clearly, my dogs eat better than I do. The particular type of dog biscuits my mom purchased didn't fit into three out of four of those rules. I know being this particular & getting this upset over a box of dog treats might seem ridiculous. But, I have done SO much dog food & treat research over the years that my dogs eating biscuits in the box that my mom bought would've been torturous for me. Feeling this way is absolutely not ridiculous for an autistic person. The next part of this situation that was upsetting was that I had to go exchange the box of dog biscuits RIGHT THEN. At six o'clock in the evening. After I thought I was home for the rest of the night. After I was already in that shopping plaza three hours earlier & needed to go the the shopping plaza again the next day, to visit a cat sitting client. Or my dogs would have to be fed those biscuits that I didn't want them to eat because there were no dog biscuits in the house & no one told me. I am extremely conservative with gas & drive with efficiency. So, driving to the same shopping plaza multiple times in the same day when I had to go to that plaza again the next day anyway made no sense to me. I tried to make sense with my mom, but couldn't. Yes, I still live with my parents. (Thanks, Autism.) So, off I went to PetSmart to exchange a box of dog biscuits. I picked out something that fit all of my qualifications, paid the $1.06 difference & drove home. When I got home, my mom happily asked me what I dog biscuits I picked out, so I showed her. This whole situation put me in a bad mood for the whole rest of the night & I am still frustrated about the tiny amount of unnecessary extra gas I had to use yesterday evening. The reason why? Anger rumination. A term I had never heard of until I knew I was autistic. It is something that a lot of other autistic people also struggle with.
What Is Anger Rumination?: Anger rumination is the tendency to dwell on upsetting & frustrating experiences that happened in the past. Why Am I Telling You This?: No, I am not telling you about this to vent about my evening yesterday. I am telling you about this because this is what it's like to be an autistic woman. I hope this helped you get a little glimpse into my life, the life of an autistic woman. |
AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
All
Archives
May 2024
|