Internalized ableism is something that most, if not all, disabled, chronically ill, & neurodivergent people have experienced. But, first of all... What IS Ableism? Ableism is the discrimination of & the social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that "typical abilities" are superior. Examples Of Ableist Comments About Autism & Autistic People:
Sadly, several of the above comments are said to me on a consistent basis. A few of them many, many years before I even knew I was autistic. And I have no choice but to take it. Hearing those things hurts. It really, really hurts. Examples Of Ableist Quotes By Temple Grandin, The "Face" Of Autism:
Now that we know what ableism is...
What IS Internalized Ableism? Internalized ableism is when people with disabilities absorb & believe the negative stereotypes & prejudices society holds about them. Examples Of Internalized Ableism For Autistic People:
ALL except for three of the above statements are true for me, in my experience of growing up autistic, & BEING AUTISTIC. This is one reason why it is so important to be kind & to not use ableist language. Your words really, truly matter. A LOT.
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What Is Autistic Masking, Anyway? Autistic masking, otherwise known as camouflaging, is sometimes used by autistic people to disguise or minimize specific autistic traits or behaviors in social situations. Why Do Some Autistic People Mask? Some reasons autistic people might mask include, but are not limited to:
Who Masks? While any autistic person may mask, it is more likely for autistic people to mask if they:
What Are Some Examples Of Masking?
What Are The Consequences Of Masking?
Masking & Me:
Ways I Masked Growing Up:
Ways I Mask As An Adult:
When you get an illness or a disease, you begin to not feel like yourself. You're tired, grouchy, feverish, achy, congested, maybe you've got a runny nose, etc. Then you rest, take medicine, hydrate, & do whatever else you need to do in order to feel better. The ways you aren't yourself are known as symptoms & once the symptoms are gone, you're all better. Many people think that autism works similarly, so they call our autistic characteristics symptoms. However, autism isn't an illness or a disease, but it is a neurotype, or a difference in how the brain works. No autistic person could sleep enough or take any medication that would cause her or his autism to go away. In fact, the majority of autistic people feel the most like themselves when they are exhibiting their autistic traits. So, if you were to take away their autism, they would NO LONGER be themselves. However, unlike the majority of autistic people, I personally want my autism to go away. I dislike every aspect of myself that is related to me being autistic because it is SO disabling. And it makes me unable to achieve the things in life that my allistic, or non-autistic counterparts have achieved many, MANY years ago. Being financially secure, having a close circle of people who care about me, getting married, having a family, living a happy & fulfilling life, & more. The goal for the majority of autistic people isn't to remove autism & using words like symptoms to describe us being us makes it feel like that is the goal. We refer to our autistic characteristics as traits so we don't feel like we, ourselves are an illness or a disease.
For me personally, while I do wish I could remove the autistic part of myself, I refer to my autistic characteristics as traits. As much as I want to remove the autism, I know that no matter what I do, I won't be able to remove it. You can remove symptoms, but you can't remove traits. So, the next time you are describing autism, please use the word "traits" instead of the word "symptoms." Since Valentine's Day was earlier this week, I wanted to write about love, experiencing it, expressing it, & how it looks differently for autistic people than it looks for allistic, or non-autistic people. But, before we begin... What IS Love? Love is a complex mix of emotions that is everyone in the world experiences, whether they are neurodivergent or neurotypical, autistic or allistic, disabled or non-disabled, etc. It is associated with certain behaviors & strong feelings of affection, protectiveness, warmth, & respect for other people (e.g. family, friends, romantic partners, etc.), animals, principles, interests, hobbies, &/or religious beliefs. How Autistic People Experience Love: Widespread stereotypes suggest that autistic people are incapable of feeling love, romantic or otherwise. However, the reality is that autistic people experience love quite intensely (often much more intensely than allistic people). Interestingly, brain scans of autistic people show that when we express feeling love & affection for someone, different areas of the brain are activated than for allistic people. The empathy circuitry of the brain is also working differently. We, autistic people, are typically extremely attached to our close relationships, often more so than allistic people are. This is because we usually have significantly less people that we are close to than allistic people do. Like allistic people, we have a deep desire for those types of relationships, making the close relationships we do have so much more important to us. With this being said, it is important to remember that autism is a spectrum. So, autistic people experience & express love in unique ways that can vary quite drastically from each other. Our experiences & expressions of love are greatly influenced by our individual strengths, challenges, & sensory sensitivities. How Autistic People Express Love: While autistic people feel love & empathy very intensely, often much more intensely than you do, it may be very difficult or impossible for us to express our love & empathy for you in ways that make you feel loved & cared about. Some ways that we express our love include:
Many autistic people experience what is called "limerence." This is when the person we are romantically interested in becomes a special interest. We fixate on every aspect of their being, want to learn about all of their favorite things, or start to picture the rest of our lives with them after just a few (maybe even one) interaction(s). This can sometimes lead to a devastating end when the effort isn't reciprocated or worse, we can't see that it isn't being reciprocated. Tips For Loving An Autistic Person:
Benefits Of Loving An Autistic Person:
A Few Other Things To Remember:
Today is a big day for me because it marks my one year anniversary of my autism evaluation & me getting the validation I waited precisely four months & four days for (I can't believe it!), so in celebration of that, here are some things I've learned about myself over the past year, four months, & four days:
Looking Back On Six Months Of Blog Posts!
April's Blog Topics:
The above was a statement my dad shared with me a couple nights ago. 🥰 All my life, my dad has been the one I could count on to say things like that to me, things that I need to hear. Let me tell you more about the background of this statement. My mom had recently made an appointment for my grandpa & herself to get the new COVID vaccine. Finally having convinced my dad to get the vaccine earlier than he had originally wanted to get it, she was trying to add him to the vaccine appointment group she had made for my grandpa & herself. That's when a thought came over me: should he really be getting the new vaccine then? My dad had been experiencing some kind of allergic reaction the past several days, so his doctor prescribed a steroid to help with the itchiness he had been experiencing. Now, this steroid helps with allergies & all kinds of autoimmune disorders. I know much more about this medication & how it works than I wish I did because one of my dogs took it many years ago, when he was very sick with a blood clotting problem. Knowing that this medication works so well by suppressing the immune system, I asked my parents about this drug before my mom added my dad to her appointment group. When you get a vaccine, you want the best immune response possible, so taking a medication that makes your immune system not work as well while you're getting a vaccine— that's probably not a good idea. My dad agreed with me, so he is holding off getting the vaccine until after the ten days on the steroid has passed & his immunity is back to normal. Out of curiosity, later on that night, I asked my dad if he would've thought of the impact of the steroid he's taking on his immune response to the new COVID vaccine on his own. He told me he definitely wouldn't have & he would've just gotten the vaccine on an earlier date, like my mom & I wanted him to. Feeling happy with myself for speaking up while trying to be humorous at the same time, I said something along the lines of, "See, sometimes having an immune- & germ-obsessed daughter can be beneficial!" If you'd like to read more about my experiences being a germaphobe, please feel free to go back & read my blog posts about how the coronavirus pandemic turned me into a "normal" person & how vestibular sensitivities effect my daily life. I then talked more about how he can thank my obsession with germs & the immune system, as well as my dog, Teddy for my knowledge about this steroid. If it wasn't for Teddy's illness, I wouldn't know so much about how this drug affects your body. That's when my dad said to me, "Everything about you is a blessing to me." No one's ever said that to me before, so my immediate reaction was that my dad was just being sarcastic again. I was sitting there talking about the immune system & my germaphobic tendencies, so hearing that that was a blessing really caught me off guard. I mean, I don't consider that a blessing to ME (it's so hard to live that way), so how could it be a blessing to someone else? Germaphobia is a BIG part of who I am. It turned out that my dad was being 100% truthful in that moment & wasn't being sarcastic at all. "Everything about you is a blessing to me." That was something I needed to hear. If you love me, tell me. If you're proud of me, tell me. If I look pretty, tell me. If I'm doing things right, tell me. If you love that design I just created, tell me. If everything about me is a blessing to you, tell me. I need to hear all those things & more. I've gone my whole life with terrible self-esteem & being super dependent on validation from others. Every positive thing you think about me: I need to know about it, I need to know how you feel. That's what keeps me going & I know that that's also why words of affirmation is my love language. What Are The Love Languages?:
The term love language refers to the way that a person prefers to express & receive love. While the term was first introduced to us by best-selling author, speaker, & marriage counselor Dr. Gary Chapman, the term is used more loosely today, referring to love that is expressed between romantic partners, family members, friends, & more. In Dr. Gary Chapman's best-selling book, The 5 Love Languages: The Secret to Love that Lasts, he proposed five specific love languages, which are:
If you'd like to learn more about the five love languages, you can visit Dr. Gary Chapman's love language website to take quizzes to learn more about yourself, as well as to take a look at other resources & videos he has available, all of which provide valuable insight. I went on a date today with a man I believe is autistic. We met on a dating app. He doesn't know that I think he's autistic & I haven't yet told him about my autism either. After matching on the dating app, we spent several weeks messaging back & forth & had a conversation on video chat before meeting in person. Unlike other women my age, I started experimenting with online dating when I was just nineteen years old. I mean,...
Video Chatting With My Date: My video chat with my date was slightly less than two weeks ago. A couple hours before the time we had picked to chat, I was freaking out, confided in my dad about it, & asked him what he thinks I should do. At this point, I was pretty certain this man was autistic. From his occupation to what he spends his free time doing to taking things I say or ask way too literally to admitting that social activities are downright exhausting. It seemed like every new thing I was learning about him was an autistic trait. I can't help but wonder, if I had matched with this man prior to learning that I am autistic myself, would I still have been able to pick up on these things so easily? I have learned SO much about autism over the past year. Anyway, this is the interesting part. I'm trying to word this carefully because I know other autistic people are stumbling their way onto this blog. But, the reason I was freaking out over this video chat was because this is an autistic man. Would he be too autistic for me? Too strange or weird? Yes, I am an autistic woman, but interactions with other autistic individuals actually make me shut down. I've always been this way. Ever since I first learned that I'm autistic, I have been immersing myself into autistic literature & have been reading books, memoirs, & blog posts written by autistic women, mainly women who were diagnosed later in life. Each woman has her own story, but there is one thing that all of these women have in common: they all enjoy spending time with autistic people & most of them have a group of autistic friends. I am the exact opposite of these women. Every autistic trait or quirk I exhibit is something I dislike about myself SO strongly that I don't want my friends or my significant other to exhibit those traits or quirks either. While it gave me comfort to know that getting rejected for my quirks probably wouldn't happen if I dated an autistic guy, this is why it was also so frightening. I really enjoyed messaging back & forth with him for the past week, but now it was time for me to find out: was he too much like me? And if he was, the idea of breaking that to him was really scary. I've been rejected my whole life & I know how much it hurts. So, this is what happened. We video chatted for almost an hour & a half & I still liked him. Not only that, but he reminded me of one of my cousins who is such a nice, sweet guy. If I ended up with someone like my cousin, that would be totally fine with me! Our First Date:
This is the second first date I have been on since learning that I'm autistic. It was to a mini golf & ice cream place, a location that was comfortable for me, since I am still taking COVID precautions & feel uncomfortable being in close contact with someone who I don't know really well. He texted me that he was there when I was just a couple minutes away. When I got there, I saw him sitting on the steps of the ice cream shack. He was wearing a plain tee & corduroy long pants. My first thought was that he must be sweltering because it's in the 90's. Corduroy is something I would only wear in the cooler months. I was wearing a lacy spaghetti strap top & jean shorts, so in my opinion, the two of us looked like we belonged in two very different climates. He got up & shook my hand when he saw me, but I wished he gave me a hug instead. I'm a hugger, not a handshaker. The mini golf portion of the date was great! We chatted as we made our way along the golf course. The woman who we paid for a game of mini golf offered us a score card, which we didn't take because neither of us are competitive. He understood me in ways that no one else did. Mainly things having to do with not having a desire to have social interaction be a part of my life. I guess that's one positive thing about dating another autistic individual. After we finished our game of mini golf, we got some ice cream from the ice cream shack. I got English toffee soft serve. I always get flavored soft serve if I can because so few places offer that. He got an orange soda float. He was gonna stand in the corner, near the window where we picked up our ice cream to eat, but I suggested we get a table & sit down instead. Much more comfortable & way less awkward. Once we sat down, he wouldn't stop talking. Not only that, the conversation was going in a direction that just didn't interest me. He was telling me about courses he took in college & was asking me about mine. I just didn't care to listen or to talk about that & it went on for HOURS. I graduated from college ten years ago & strongly disliked the majority of my experience that I've tried to put it out of my brain. We'll talk more about that on another day though. I felt so far removed from what he was asking me that I just didn't remember the answers to most of his questions. I'm only a year or two older than him, so we were in college at the same time. Other topics of conversation came up in the middle. My dogs for example & the fact that I used to have bunnies before them. But, those topics of conversation were very short-lived & we kept going back to the same unenjoyable conversation topic. After meeting him in person, I was certain he was autistic, but he also reminded me less of my cousin than he did previously. In fact, this date was more than two hours longer than I wanted it to be because I just couldn't figure out a way out or how to get him to stop talking! Do I think he's the right person for me? No, I don't, because if I did, I don't think I would've wanted this date to end so badly. This is one of my experiences dating as an autistic woman. Dating as an autistic individual is very, very difficult &... This Is Why:
Traditionally, it was thought that autistic individuals were not interested in having sexual or romantic relationships. However, the reality is that this couldn't be further from the truth. My Personal Experiences: For me personally, I had always envisioned that I would have what my parents had: I would meet my future husband at a young age, I would get married in my early to mid-twenties, & I would start creating my family shortly after that. If things had gone how I had planned, I would have two or three children at this point in my life. As a very young child, I struggled with being able to relate to & connect with others. Back then, I didn't know what I know now: that this was why I didn't have friends. In fact, the majority of my friendships, particularly in my younger years, were forced on me by my mom. As I got older, my inability to relate to & connect with others also interfered with my romantic relationships, the longest one lasting just a couple short months. Both relationships ended for the exact same reason: physical intimacy was extremely uncomfortable for me. Eventually, I realized that my inability to form personal connections & relationships isn't something I would ever outgrow & it would haunt me for the rest of my life. While yes, I did come to this realization, does this mean I have accepted this reality? Absolutely not. As I'm quickly approaching my mid-thirties, my biological clock is ticking, which is absolutely terrifying. This is also the reason why whenever I hear of a couple who is newly engaged or who is expecting a baby, it causes intense sadness for me, rather than causing me to be happy for the couple, like I should be. Dating has always been extraordinarily challenging for me & now I know why: being an autistic individual, no matter how much you want love, can make the dating scene almost impossible to navigate. Autism & Sexual Orientation: On a different, but relatable note, as the month of June, otherwise known as Pride Month, comes to an end, I wanted to touch on the correlation between autism & the LGBTQIA+ community. Did you know that autistic people are more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ than allistic, or non-autistic, people are? According to a 2021 study conducted by the Autism Research Centre at the University of Cambridge in the UK, autistic individuals are three to nine times less likely to be heterosexual than individuals in the allistic population. About 2,400 people ages sixteen to ninety, which included 1,183 autistic individuals, participated in this study. This research found that autistic men were more than three times more likely to identify as bisexual than their allistic counterparts would be. On the other hand, autistic women were slightly less than two & a half times more likely to identify as either bisexual or homosexual than their allistic counterparts would be. In regards to sexual activity, the research revealed that autistic individuals are less likely to be sexually active. More specifically, the research found that for every ten neurotypical adults who were sexually active, only four autistic adults could say the same. It was also found that autistic people were close to eight times more likely to identify as asexual than their allistic counterparts would be. Regardless of asexuality, this research also revealed that autistic women in particular had less sexual desire & less libido than allistic women did. What Is Asexuality?: The "A" in LGBTQIA+ stands for asexuality. An asexual person does not experience sexual attraction— they are not drawn to people sexually & they have no sexual desires. Unlike celibacy, which is the choice to abstain from sexual activity, asexuality is not a choice, but is an integral part of who we are that we are born with, just like other sexual orientations. Like autism, asexuality is a very diverse spectrum, meaning every asexual person has his or her own very specific needs & boundaries regarding relationships, attraction, arousal, physical intimacy, & more. Why Are Autistic People More Likely To Identify As LGBTQIA+?:
There isn't currently any firm scientific evidence as to why autistic people are more likely to identify as LGBTQIA+ than their allistic counterparts are. However, according to Cambridge researcher & doctoral scientist Elizabeth Weir, "One possibility is that people with autism may be less attached to social expectations & feel more free to express their true identity." Autism & Gender Identity: According to a 2020 study, also conducted by the Autism Research Centre at the University of Cambridge, transgender & gender-diverse adults are three to six times more likely to receive an autism diagnosis than their cisgender counterparts are. About 600,000 adults in the UK participated in this study. However, it is likely that many of these transgender & gender-diverse adults were undiagnosed as autistic during the time of the study. While about 1.1% of the UK population was estimated to be diagnosed as autistic during the time of the study, this study suggests that between 3.5 & 6.5% of transgender & gender-diverse adults in the UK are autistic. You probably know that the five senses are sight, hearing, touch, smell, & taste, but did you know that there are actually eight senses? The three hidden senses are: The Vestibular Sense: Vestibular receptors, located in our inner ears, help us process movement & balance. The vestibular system helps us to distinguish between speed & the direction of movement. Many autistic people are either vestibular under- or over-responders. People who are vestibular under-responders seek intense or prolonged vestibular stimulation & may enjoy frequent rocking, swinging, bouncing, jumping, or other activities involving intense movement. People who are vestibular over-responders may react negatively to a wide range of vestibular input. They are often prone to motion sickness & have anxiety during activities that involve movement through space, such as walking down the stairs. They also tend to struggle with body control & coordination. I am someone who struggles a great deal with vestibular sensitivities. This is why numerous times throughout this blog, I have referred to vestibular processing issues & anxiety around certain things causing dizziness. Because I keep referring to vestibular sensitivities, I thought it would be good to take a step back & actually explain what I mean by that. The Proprioception Sense: Proprioception receptors, located in our muscles & joints, provide information about where our bodies are in space. This system impacts our sense of body awareness & coordination. It also helps to create smooth movement. Many autistic people are either proprioception under- or over-responders. People who are proprioception under-responders struggle with knowing how much pressure to apply. They may break pencils or use too much pressure when shaking someone’s hand, for example. They may enjoy jumping, bumping, & crashing into people & objects. They tend to be unaware of safety & can be accident-prone. Children tend to prefer rough play & seem to be constantly wrestling with siblings or other children. They tend to stand too close to others & touch them without permission. And they may crave pressure & bear hugs. People who are proprioception over-responders may are easily overwhelmed by touch & movement. They tend to avoid physical contact, like hugs & other types of contact or pressure. They also tend to become anxious in crowded spaces or when standing close to others. Children who are proprioception over-responders tend to avoid physical play & appear timid around others. They also may dislike slides, swings, other playground equipment, & phys ed class in school. I also struggle with proprioception sensitivities, but because I am now an adult, these issues are much less bothersome now than they were when I was a child. The Interoception Sense: Interoception receptors, located on our internal organs, provide us with information about our internal body & emotional states. These receptors tell us when we're hungry, thirsty, hot, cold, in pain, or needing to use the bathroom. They also tell us if we're happy, sad, or anxious. People who are interoception under-responders may be unaware of pain & temperature signals, not know when they're hungry or thirsty, be unaware of the urge to eliminate until it is urgent, or have alexithymia, otherwise known as the inability to identify his or her own emotions. People who are interoception over-responders may always be hungry, thirsty, or having to use the bathroom. They also tend to experience more pain & pain lasts longer. It is common for over-responders to have frequent sicknesses because even the mildest of illnesses cause them to feel terrible. Stereotypical Sensory Sensitivities:
In movies & on tv, you'll notice that autistic characters are often very sensitive to light & sound. Because of this, they often wear sunglasses, noise-canceling headphones, or ear plugs to relieve themselves from intense sensory input. Autistic people also tend to be very sensitive to touch, where they can only tolerate clothing made from certain types of fabric & they cannot tolerate tags in their clothing or seams in their socks. It is also very common for autistic people to dislike being touched. Lastly, autistic people commonly dislike very strong flavors in the foods they eat. They tend to not like spicy, sour, or minty food. The beige food diet is common for autistic people. People who prefer this diet stick to eating only food that is beige in color, such as plain pasta, bread, & chicken nuggets. My Sensory Sensitivities: I don't experience this world as a stereotypical autistic person, in the sensory sense. Most sensory sensitivities that are common to autistic people are not issues for me. In fact, I was not aware of many of my sensory sensitivities being at all related to autism until I began learning more about autism, as I was pursuing a diagnosis. Until pretty recently, I thought that what I was experiencing were quirks in my likes, dislikes, & behavior. The sense that is definitely the most sensitive & bothersome for me is the vestibular sense. Sight: I do not have any visual sensitivities. Bright lights do not bother me, like they tend to bother the stereotypical autistic person. However, when I was growing up, certain frequencies of lighting would bother me because they caused dizzy spells, which you can read more about in my previous blog post about how the coronavirus pandemic turned me into a "normal" person. For example, the first time I ever successfully ate in a Rainforest Cafe, I was in my twenties. My dad & I were visiting family in Texas & we were in San Antonio for the day. We wanted to eat lunch along the River Walk & the restaurant everyone decided to eat at was the Rainforest Cafe. Something about the atmosphere in that restaurant caused dizzy spells because this was the first time I had ever eaten in that restaurant without getting sick. Because of my history with that restaurant, both my dad & I had anxiety about eating in there, but it was a success! I think it was probably the Rainforest Cafe's lighting that was the issue, but I don't know for sure. Also, while I don't have issues with bright lights, I do have issues with blinking or flashing lights & lights that are moving, particularly in circles. That is more of a vestibular issue though, which I'll discuss more below. Hearing: I do not have any auditory sensitivities. In fact, I really love listening to loud music! Touch: I do not have any of the stereotypical tactile sensitivities involving the clothing I wear. I can generally wear all fabrics of clothing & I am not bothered by tags or by the seams in my socks. I am sensitive to the sheets on my bed touching my feet though, so I have to sleep with socks on. However, as I mentioned in my first blog post, I am very sensitive to water touching me, particularly on my face & in my eyes. Because of that, I can't wash my face with soap in the sink. I have to use a washcloth instead. I also dislike the feeling of breezes. For example, I don't drive with the windows open & I actually point the vents away from the driver's seat in my car. I am also picky about who touches me & how I'm touched. I love experiencing physical affection from family & people I'm close with. However, hugging people that I do not have a certain level of established comfort with is uncomfortable. I also greatly prefer hugs over kisses & dislike romantic touch. I remember that on the first day of school when I was a sophomore in high school, my biology teacher put her hand on my shoulder as I was walking to my desk. I disliked that so much that I couldn't stop thinking about that for the whole rest of the year. If she had done that after I had an established relationship with her, I wouldn't have thought anything of it & it probably would've even made me feel good. But, because it was the first day of school & I didn't have a relationship with this teacher, it really bothered me. Smell: I do not have any olfactory sensitivities. Taste: The gustatory sense is the one sense where I am a stereotypical autistic person. I dislike strong flavors of food & I tend to stay away from spicy & sour food. If I'm eating in a restaurant & the waitress asks me if I would like a lemon in my water, I always decline it. In cases where I am not asked whether or not I would like a lemon & my water arrives with a lemon in the glass, I always take the lemon out. I also don't like mint, even in chocolate or in ice cream! I tolerate it in toothpaste though. Lastly, I really like my drinks cold (with A LOT of ice) & my food hot (temperature-wise). Vestibular: The vestibular sense is the sense that is by far the most sensitive & interferes with my daily living the most. In fact, that is why the graphic I chose to use for this blog post is supposed to resemble spinning. I am definitely a vestibular over-responder & I have a lot of fears that are all caused by this sensitivity. I listed many of these fears in my previous blog post about how the coronavirus pandemic turned me into a "normal" person. I could write a novel about everything that causes dizziness, so I tried to pick the things that stuck out the most in my mind. I know what I generally can & can't handle, so I either try to avoid certain things or I use coping mechanisms to deal with certain situations that most people would think nothing of. This is also why I don't know how to ride a bike. Embarrassing, but true. An example of a coping mechanism I use is how I deal with glass elevators, which really bother me. I have learned to find a screw or another stationary object inside the elevator to focus my eyes on until the elevator stops moving. An example of a situation that caused vestibular oversensitivity took place at a family wedding when I was in middle school. My mom's cousin's husband wanted to dance with me & took me to the dance floor. I remember really struggling with that dance because he didn't know to not spin me & I wasn't comfortable enough with him to tell him to stop. My grandpa, who I call Gung-Gung, took me to dance right afterwards & he didn't spin me because he knew how sensitive I was. The difference & the relief that I experienced when I danced with my Gung-Gung was phenomenal. Proprioception: I have significant proprioception sensitivities, but luckily, these things no longer affect my adult life. When I was a child, I felt unsafe on playground & climbing equipment if other children were also using it. I was also unable to engage in age-appropriate physical play with other children. Phys ed was traumatizing. In fact, what I remember about my elementary school phys ed teacher is that she scolded me for running away from a fast-moving soccer ball & she didn't scold my peers for laughing at me. I was truly terrified of that ball & I was only doing what I could do to protect myself. In high school, the transition between classes & the transition from class to the buses or the parking lot was terrifying because I thought I was going to get hurt from navigating down a staircase among a fast-moving stampede of teenagers. Interoception: I do not have significant issues with interoception, but I occasionally will experience alexithymia. I don't have any trouble identifying intense emotions, but I sometimes will have difficulty distinguishing between closely-related emotions or more neural emotions. In my previous blog post about Autism Speaks, I briefly mentioned that my life would be so much easier I wasn't autistic & that I wish I wasn't autistic, but I didn't get into why I feel that way. Let's take a moment to get into that now. Why I Wish I Wasn't Autistic:
I know I am not like most autistic people, but this is truly how I feel about being autistic & how I think being autistic hinders my life. I would be elated if there was a cure for autism, or even if there was a medication (with minimal side effects) I could take that could get rid of my autistic traits, but, at the same time, I know that that isn't going to happen. At least not in my lifetime. I am someone who was brought up to be accepting of all people: different religions, different backgrounds, different cultures, different disabilities, etc. So, whether you are autistic or not, all I ask is that you are accepting of me regardless of whether you think similarly or differently from me. I am using Splashed With Water as a way to educate, but also to share what it's like to be an autistic woman & thinking these thoughts is part of what being an autistic woman is like for me. Now that we've covered why I DO want a cure for autism, let's talk about why most autistics disagree with me.
Why Autistics Don't Want A Cure For Autism:
You'll find that throughout this blog, my personal opinion often differs from the opinion of the autistic community as a whole. When that happens, I'll do my best to cover both sides. I hope doing it this way was helpful to you. This also shows you that all autistic people are different from one another, just like how all neurotypical people are different from one another. Is Autism Really More Common In Males?: Statistically, boys are four times more likely to be autistic than girls, but because we know so much more about autism now than ever before, we are now questioning if it is actually more common in boys or if it is just more commonly diagnosed in boys. Since it was historically believed that autism was more prevalent in boys than in girls, scientists & doctors have focused their autism research on boys. Because of this, the diagnostic criteria for autism is modeled around male behavior. What we didn't know until very recently is that autism can look very differently in girls. Since autistic girls often have different traits that do not match the diagnostic criteria for autism, traits are easier to miss & are mistaken for other things, like shyness & social anxiety, which are much more socially acceptable in girls than in boys. Girls are also more likely to mask their autistic traits & may mimic appropriate social behaviors by copying behaviors that they see in everyday life & on tv in order to fit in. For example, many girls & women force themselves to maintain eye contact by looking in between someone's eyes rather than into them if eye contact makes them uncomfortable. (I do this until a certain level of comfort with a person is reached, which is when eye contact becomes comfortable & natural for me.) Masking is something that is much less common for boys & men to do. Girls are also often diagnosed with depression &/or anxiety, conditions that frequently coincide with autism, rather than with autism spectrum disorder itself. Because scientists & doctors just began learning about how autism presents itself differently in females within the past decade, many women in their twenties & older have just now been receiving the autism diagnoses that they deserve. Many of these late-diagnosed autistic women never presented stereotypical male autistic traits. These women tended to be evaluated for & diagnosed with autism spectrum disorder after having significant problems with things in their adult lives such as treatment-resistant mental health issues, employment, friendships, romantic relationships & more (all things I struggle with). Other women were diagnosed after their child(ren) was/were diagnosed & they recognized some of the same traits in themselves. I truly believe that the reason I was not diagnosed during childhood is because of my gender. What Does Autism Look Like In Females?:
Social Deficits
Pretend Play One of the most common traits of both male & female autism is not knowing how to participate in pretend play. However, it is more likely that this struggle will be noticed in boys because girls tend to be taught from a very young age to be little caretakers, taking care of a baby doll or a stuffed animal. Because boys tend to be not taught this, struggling with pretend play is much more obvious in males. However, I only knew how to play with baby dolls & stuffed animals. When my little cousin asked me to use her plastic horses & farm animals to engage in pretend play with her, that was a struggle for me. I would often ask my little three-year-old cousin what to say or do. My aunt bringing out a craft project for me to help my cousin with brought great relief! Special Interests One of the most common symptoms of both male & female autism is having a special interest. However, male special interests tend to be very specialized & technical, where female special interests tend to be more "normal." For females, the level of intensity of the interest is what is abnormal. Because of this, it can be harder to notice the difference between a "normal" interest & a special interest. Common special interests in females are:
Wheels Many autistic children have a fascination with spinning wheels that are on a toy truck or train, for example. However, because toy vehicles tend to be boy-specific toys & I was a very feminine girl, I didn't own any toys that had wheels other than a child-sized stroller I used to push my baby dolls & stuffed animals around in the neighborhood. Miscellaneous
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AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
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May 2024
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