It is no secret that autistic police brutality is a real problem. From beatings & violent, wrongful arrests to deadly shootings; the aggressive force police use against us, autistics, is our unfortunate reality. In fact, I DON'T FEEL LIKE POLICE OFFICERS PROTECT ME at all, but to be quite honest, it is the exact opposite— I FEEL LIKE I HAVE TO PROTECT MYSELF FROM POLICE OFFICERS. When I look at police officers, I see the grownup versions of my high school bullies. I knew for a fact that the majority of the guys who bullied me in school, the guys who made my high school, my middle school experiences a living hell were going onto college to study criminal justice to become police officers. It does make sense. The tough guys in school. The guys who bullied the quiet, meek girls like myself. They have the exact right type of personalities, the desire & the thrill deep inside of them to want to catch the bad guys. Of course they want to become cops! I have been absolutely petrified, absolutely terrified of police officers my entire life & that is the main reason why. In my mind, POLICE OFFICERS ARE BULLIES, people who misunderstand me, people who mistreat me, people who don't treat me like a human being. And no one, no situation has ever proven me wrong. Interacting with police officers causes me so much stress that my autistic traits become much more exasperated, much more visible than they are typically. But, even with how exaggerated my autistic traits become, I still don't "look autistic" in a stereotypical sense. I spent the majority of my life not knowing I was autistic, but despite that, I still knew that my interactions with police officers were dangerous. While I never act in ways that are considered "typical," that is exaggerated exponentially when I'm faced with high-stress situations, like when I'm in the presence of law enforcement personnel. And when police officers see someone not acting "typical," they often assume the worst & react in ways that put the life & the well-being of an autistic person, such as myself, at risk. I now know that the kind of stress police officers trigger inside of me causes autistic shutdowns. Before I knew I was autistic, I knew that I shut down when in the presence of police officers, but I had no explanation as to why that was. During an autistic shutdown, I more often than not become nonverbal, meaning, even if I wanted to talk, it would be impossible for me to make the words come out. And if I am able to talk during an autistic shutdown, I don't have control over what I am saying, my words often not making any sense. Acting in this way when conversing with police officers is extremely problematic because a person who acts like this is typically on drugs. I'm not on drugs; I never have been & I never will be. It's being autistic that makes me act this way. On top of that, it takes an extremely long time for me to process information & it takes exponentially longer when I'm highly-stressed. So, when spoken to by a police officer, I am often non-responsive. Not because I don't want to respond, but because I physically can't. I simply haven't had enough time to process whatever was just said to me OR that I was spoken to at all. Having an extremely long processing time is very common with autistics, but again, it is also very common with drug users. During the few interactions with police officers I've had in my lifetime, I have been told every time that there was something off about me, that they thought I was on drugs when they first interacted with me. It would have been SO helpful to know that I was autistic at the time I had those interactions rather than for those police officers to automatically assume that I was on drugs. The fact that it is automatically assumed that I am on drugs when I'm not is awfully troubling. This is why soon after I received my autism diagnosis, I designed myself an autism wallet card. This card explains that I am autistic, what autism spectrum disorder is, as well as certain behaviors that I may exhibit that others will likely perceive as unusual, but they are actually very typical behaviors of an autistic woman. I also wear a medical alert bracelet that contains my name, my diagnoses, & an emergency contact number. Plus, it states that I have a wallet card. I did this because I know that it isn't safe to reach for something without asking the police officer for permission first. But, since I often have trouble communicating verbally with police officers, I needed something that would allow me to safely communicate that I'm autistic & I have a wallet card without needing to speak. The reason why I have an autism wallet card & wear a medical alert bracelet is to protect myself from police officers, something that shouldn't be my job or my responsibility to do. Not only is a police officer's job to protect us, but I shouldn't have to disclose my disability in order to be treated with respect or to keep myself safe. My autism wallet card is pictured below (click on it to view it larger). Now, police officers aren't purposely harming autistic people. They simply aren't educated about how to recognize autism & the different behaviors autistic people exhibit. For example, when police officers see a person:
Autism Training & Education:
Police officers across the country & around the world are just not being properly educated or trained on how to treat & interact with autistic individuals. In fact, the type of & the amount of autism training that police officers receive is variable in different police departments in cities across the country. Plus, it's usually voluntary, not mandatory. Another problem is that the education police officers receive on autism tends to be tacked onto the end of the training on another topic. When this happens & only a short discussion is had about autism, how are police officers supposed to get the training, we, autistic people so desperately need them to have? On another note, it's hard to even pinpoint what constitutes as effective training. There is very limited research on how well various kinds of training programs work & ineffective training does more harm than good. There is also some research that suggests that while proper autism training makes police officers understand autism, it still doesn't make them any less likely to use force on autistic people. There really needs to be police training on autism that is standardized across all departments nationwide. However, some experts & advocates say that the best way to decrease violence is to minimize interactions between police & autistic people altogether. That just doesn't seem like a viable solution to me though, especially for autistic people like me, who drive. The Blue Envelope Program: The Blue Envelope Initiative represents a collaborative effort aimed at fostering a safer & a more understanding environment for autistic drivers during motor vehicle operator interactions & traffic stops. This program was just introduced in Massachusetts, the state in which I reside, earlier this month. It involves a Blue Envelope, which is intended to hold a driver's essential documents— a license, the car's registration, & a contact card. However, the significance of this envelope isn't that it is just a storage solution. This envelope features critical communication guidelines on its exterior, specifically tailored to assist law enforcement officers in recognizing & adapting their approach when interacting with a autistic drivers. While the thought behind this program is great & it shows that Massachusetts is trying, as an autistic driver, I don't love everything about the Blue Envelope Program. This is why I have a problem with the Blue Envelope Program:
Also, ever since the Massachusetts Police Department announced the introduction of the Blue Envelope Program, I have been reading numerous comments online from allistic people about how people who require a Blue Envelope in order to have simple conversations with police officers shouldn't be allowed to get behind the wheel. These comments are extremely hurtful & extraordinarily ableist. The people who made these types of comments clearly don’t understand autism or how it impacts people. I probably will get a Blue Envelope to keep in my car only because Massachusetts police officers recognize its purpose. But, it will either remain empty or I will put a few of my autism wallet cards inside of it. I don’t love the idea of keeping my driver's license anywhere other than my wallet. When Interacting With Police Officers, Autistic People May:
Key Facts About Autism, Disabilities, & Police Officers:
0 Comments
Internalized ableism is something that most, if not all, disabled, chronically ill, & neurodivergent people have experienced. But, first of all... What IS Ableism? Ableism is the discrimination of & the social prejudice against people with disabilities based on the belief that "typical abilities" are superior. Examples Of Ableist Comments About Autism & Autistic People:
Sadly, several of the above comments are said to me on a consistent basis. A few of them many, many years before I even knew I was autistic. And I have no choice but to take it. Hearing those things hurts. It really, really hurts. Examples Of Ableist Quotes By Temple Grandin, The "Face" Of Autism:
Now that we know what ableism is...
What IS Internalized Ableism? Internalized ableism is when people with disabilities absorb & believe the negative stereotypes & prejudices society holds about them. Examples Of Internalized Ableism For Autistic People:
ALL except for three of the above statements are true for me, in my experience of growing up autistic, & BEING AUTISTIC. This is one reason why it is so important to be kind & to not use ableist language. Your words really, truly matter. A LOT. Temple Grandin, that is. When many autistic people disclose that they are autistic, a common question they receive is, "Have you heard of Temple Grandin?" If you don't know who Temple Grandin is, she is an American animal science professor, public speaker, & author who is widely thought of as the "face" of autism. So, when many people think of autism or autistic people, they think of her. This is why many autistic people are asked if they have heard of her when they first disclose that they are autistic. When I was asked this question, I had not heard of her, probably because this was towards the beginning of my autistic journey of self-discovery. All of the literature I was choosing to read were written by women in their thirties & forties. Women who were much closer in age to me & therefore, their life experiences were very relatable to mine. Temple is in her seventies, so I know her life experiences are drastically different from mine growing up. However, as time went on, I have learned more & more about her & now I can tell you that there is so much about her that just doesn't sit right with me. Many other autistic people look up to her & call her a "hero" or an "inspiration," & this may surprise you, but Temple Grandin most certainly isn't a hero of mine. Before I tell you why that is, I would like to tell you about the positive things Temple Grandin has done for the autistic community.
Why Temple Grandin Isn't My Hero:
While, yes, Temple Grandin, one of the first openly autistic people, has done many great things for the autistic community, she will most certainly NOT be my hero until she changes her ableist views about autistic people. With today being the Lunar New Year (the year of the dragon!), I just wanted spend this blog post telling you about Asian culture & autism. My mom's side of the family is of Chinese descent & while I definitely have had an American upbringing, Asian culture has had great influence over the way I was raised. In the Asian culture, you are taught from a very young age that all of your personal difficulties are to remain inside of the home. In fact, if you were to be open about your challenges in public, you would likely be thought of as a disgrace. Unfortunately, the majority of Asian Americans still have this mindset to this day. One of the times my mom taught me about this was when she talked to me about hiding the bottles of antidepressants that I was taking before my grandparents arrived for a visit (particularly because of my grandpa's background in pharmacology) in order to prevent questioning & criticism. Moments like these are probably why I have always been more comfortable confiding in my dad than my mom, both as a child & as an adult. I have always felt like the fact that I have had lifelong mental health difficulties, & now autism, is something to be ashamed of because in the Asian culture it is. Another example of this occurred many, many years ago when my grandparents took my mom & my aunt on a tour of China. I remember my mom telling me that everyone wanted to take pictures with a person in their tour group who was using crutches. The reason why? If you're using crutches or a wheelchair in China, you generally don't leave your home. So, that's not something you ever see out on public streets. Asian Americans love to pride themselves in (& even brag about) which colleges & universities they got into & their SAT scores & then later on, how successful their careers are. I remember my grandma telling me about a time in school when she cried (something I have never seen her do EVER) because she got a 98 on a test. I can't picture myself ever crying over a 98. In Asia, when students don't do well on a test, even if it was the entire class that didn't do well, it is never the teacher's fault. It is never because the teacher didn't teach the material well enough or the test was written poorly, for example. It is always because the student didn't study hard enough. When a child has a disability that makes achieving the types of academic & professional successes that Asian people strive for much more difficult, such as autism, it poses a very significant problem for the child & her or his family. Asian Americans don't have any issues asking for help when it comes to furthering their child's academics or career, but when it comes to autism, they tend to refuse help & then the child is left to suffer alone, in silence. When children are diagnosed with autism in China, they are often sent to costly private treatment centers for ABA therapy. However, while this type of therapy is the most common type of therapy for autistic children, it is an extremely traumatic type of conversion "therapy" that essentially teaches autistic children to act in ways that make allistic, or non-autistic people more comfortable. Children who have received this type of therapy often develop post traumatic stress disorder by the time they reach adulthood.
Sadly, autism is still a relatively new condition in the Asian community, with China first recognizing it as a neurological disability as recently as 2006. In fact, many Asians have heard about autistic non-Asians, but they've never encountered an autistic Asian before. This is because less than one percent of autistic Asians have been evaluated for autism, let alone are receiving support for it. The thought that ninety-nine percent of autistic Asians are undiagnosed is quite staggering. Asians are likely not diagnosed with autism because they are afraid of being a disappointment, something I felt that I was until shortly before my thirty-second birthday, when I learned that I was autistic. I'm going to start this blog post off by saying this: this is the most vulnerable blog post I have written thus far. Some things that are in it are things that I've mentioned before & some things aren't. But, everything in this post is as real & as raw as it gets, is one-thousand percent true, & is something that I felt needed to be said. Growing up, & even now, my life was & is a struggle. I was autistic & I didn't know it for almost thirty-two years because I grew up at a time when girls like me were just not diagnosed with autism. I was living in a world that I didn't fit into, but I had no understanding as to why that was until about a year & a half ago. I was so lucky because my parents did everything they could to give me the BEST childhood ever. And I'm so thankful for that. However, there were certain things that no matter how loving & how supportive my parents were, they just couldn't protect me from. Every autistic person you talk to will have something to tell you about how society treats her or him; about the trauma that (s)he endures on a daily basis. The way neurotypical people treat us does real, long-lasting harm. I never understood why people treated me so poorly because I didn't think I did anything wrong. Were they treating me that way because I simply exist? Probably. The bullying I experienced in elementary school through college was INTENSE, & it only worsened the older I got. From being made fun of for being too quiet to having my feet walked on top of on a daily basis to being barked at & growled at like an angry dog to boys trying to trip me in the hall & slapping my butt when I was at my locker. Freshman year in college, they put me into a quad with another Shrewsbury alum who inserted nasty things about me into the brain of another one of my roommates. They ganged up against me & made my life a living hell for the entire year. A couple years later, a different roommate suddenly gave me the silent treatment & I had no idea why, until one of her friends told me. It was because I was uncomfortable with boys sleeping over in our room, something that I thought was perfectly reasonable, especially for a quiet & a timid girl like myself. I was never given the chance to make any sort of compromise because she never told me why she was so mad. Many years later, I found out that this particular roommate now has an autistic child. What a coincidence! Being treated with such cruelty on a daily basis for so many years is extremely traumatic for us. And it often has the same types of consequences on our brains as going to war, witnessing someone get murdered, or having an abusive spouse would. It just takes a much longer amount of time to do the same amount of damage. More than 40% of autistic individuals struggle with post-traumatic stress disorder & although I have never been diagnosed, I do think I am one of them. I think that the effects of having to endure the type of treatment I described above for so many years is why it takes me such a long time to trust someone, even now, as an adult. I also never really voiced the significant amount of pain I was experiencing to my parents because I didn't want to worry them. So, I didn't get as much support as I probably needed while I was going through that. I knew I have caused them A LOT of worry ever since the day I was born & I didn't want to add to it even more. From a very young age, I wanted to do everything I could to be the best daughter I could be, even if it meant unintentionally harming myself. When I first learned from my physician that the cause of all of my lifelong struggles was due to living with undiagnosed autism, I took a couple of months to process it & to learn more about how autism affects girls & women. But, after I did that, I wanted to do more digging into my past to learn more about how autism affected me as a young child & as an adolescent. I knew that when I was in school, my mom kept a very thick manilla envelope full of documents & letters from various medical professionals & educators. Knowing how organized my mom always was, I asked her if she still had that envelope & she did. This envelope ended up being a treasure box into my past, containing a lot of information, some that I never knew about myself, from when I was less than a year old until I was eighteen years old. One of the things that really stuck out to me was meeting notes from my seventh grade language arts teacher, Peggy. Better expression in written vs. verbal. More sophisticated style of writing. Not good with being caught off guard. Interacts better with adults. Gets frustrated in groups since they are fooling around and she is so concerned with her grades. Kids aren't patient waiting for her to respond. Struggles with reading comprehension. Getting a bit better advocating for herself. ALL autistic traits. Thinking back to seventh grade, I had always thought very highly of Peggy. I wondered if she remembered anything else about me that would be helpful for me to know, going into an autism evaluation. I knew that she no longer worked in the Shrewsbury schools, but teachers' contact information is usually readily available online. I looked Peggy up & I wrote her an email explaining my lifelong difficulties & how they led to an impending autism diagnosis. I attached a scanned copy of the meeting notes to the email, as well. However, since at this time, I had been a student in her classroom just over eighteen years ago & I hadn't seen or spoken to her in at least fifteen years, I had this underlying fear that she wouldn't remember who I was. I felt like I was a fly on the wall in school, barely saying a word & blending in with the background. I knew she'd had a lot of students since then & I thought I was easy to forget. Spilling my guts out to her only for her to not remember me would've been SO utterly embarrassing. This was in early August of 2022, by the way. It was only a couple of days before I heard back from Peggy & I was beyond relieved to know that she absolutely did remember me. Peggy sounded so delighted to hear from me, too. She described me as a very kind, shy, reserved student (with black-framed glasses if I recall correctly), but she admitted that she didn't think she had much more detail to give me. However, she did offer to chat by phone. And I eagerly took her up on that. If we chatted on the phone, I might be able to foster another connection with a caring & a supportive person & I really felt like that was exactly what I needed because like many autistic people, my life was extremely isolating. This blog post is about my interactions with Peggy & how her kindness & her compassion have changed my life. Peggy didn't know this going in, but I had a lot going on in my life at the time I reached out to her, most of it not even having to do with autism. Back in 2015, my maternal grandpa had a debilitating stroke that left one side of his body without feeling & completely took away his ability to process language (this is known as global aphasia). I unfortunately did not grieve the stroke properly & still to this day, I am in denial that it ever happened in the first place. Now that I know I'm autistic, this makes total sense as we do not grieve in the same way that neurotypicals do. My grandma was his devoted caregiver ever since. The year prior to when I connected with Peggy, my grandparents relocated to Shrewsbury from California because my grandma was dying from tongue cancer. She lived here in Shrewsbury for just two & a half months before succumbing to the disease (six months earlier than expected). While I never had much of a relationship with my grandma, watching my grandpa grieve the love of his life for over sixty years & worrying everyday that he would die of a broken heart was the hardest thing I have ever had to do. At the time I had reached out to Peggy, we had recently passed the one-year mark of my grandma's passing. I was also still getting into the groove of being a secondary caregiver to my grandpa. Due to the brain damage caused by his stroke, my grandpa would often say & do things that hurt me tremendously. No matter how much I tried to remind myself that my able-minded grandpa would never say or do such things, I just couldn't get the hurt to go away. This was particularly difficult for me to deal with because my grandpa & I have always been incredibly close. His hurtful actions were a complete one-eighty from how he'd treated me for the first twenty-five years of my life. All of these things would be difficult for anyone to cope with, but when you're autistic, you're handed a plethora of challenges in life that allistic, or non-autistic people have the privilege of never having to experience. And it's those challenges that make dealing with things like this significantly more difficult. Keep in mind that I didn't know that I was autistic when all of the above events actually happened, so I didn't understand why I reacted like this, why I reacted completely differently from the rest of my family. Ever since I was a young child; I have yearned for my grandparents to live close by & I was so, SO happy to finally have that; but now that I did, my life had become a complete circus. It's something you can't understand without living it.
On the autism forefront, just a couple months ago, I had learned that the reason why I have struggled so much throughout my life was because I was living with undiagnosed autism. It was the reason why:
That first phone conversation I had with Peggy was a breath of fresh air. Back when I was her student, I remember her being really easy to talk to & that was still the case. I filled her in on a lot of things, many of those things being things that hardly anyone knows about me, things that I'm ashamed of. The fact that I even felt comfortable enough to fill her in on those things, after all this time, speaks volumes about Peggy's character, the person she is; especially since I've always felt like I need to protect myself from people; I've always been afraid to show the real me. The way Peggy reacted to the things I told her was really, really comforting. She really took the time to stop & to listen to what I had to say & she didn't make me feel judged, guilty, or like I had done anything wrong. Every time I mentioned how something made me feel, whether it was a positive or a negative emotion, she validated it. And if she suggested something that I didn't think would work, I would explain why, & that was totally okay with her, too. She also told me how much she admired my courage in reaching out to her & that she was here for me. Having that conversation with Peggy gave me the courage to reach out to many of my other former teachers, as well. And while some of those other teachers gave me much more detailed insight than what Peggy could offer me; a few even telling me that an autism diagnosis would absolutely not surprise them; it was Peggy's kindness, support, time, & most of all, her compassion that made the biggest difference to me. That was what I needed more than anything else in the world. As I had other conversations with Peggy later on, she felt that she could no longer offer me the kind of support I needed. Her experience was with adolescents & I was an adult with adult problems looking into adult resources (which I now know are scarce). However, I can tell you that this is absolutely NOT the case at all. I have gone my entire life feeling like when I talk, NO ONE hears me & my feelings don't matter. Sadly, these are commonalities among autistic people. Peggy was the first person I talked to in many, many, many YEARS who really made me feel like she heard what I had to say & she valued my opinion. Plus, she was so, so, SO kind. And she was so incredibly compassionate, too. I have lived a lifetime of people being unkind to me; being critical of everything I do or say, everything I don't do or say, every facial expression I make or don't make. So, it's extra noticeable when someone IS kind; when someone accepts me as I am; when someone ISN'T judgmental; when someone really, truly CARES. When I looked Peggy up to make that first contact & I discovered that she was no longer a language arts teacher, but she was a special education teacher, I wasn't surprised. The notes that she made about me were much more insightful & helpful than the notes I came across from every single one of my other former teachers. Every single one of Peggy's notes was so SPOT ON, about me, AND about an autistic middle school girl. However, after having the interactions with Peggy that I had, I really, truly feel that special education was what she was meant to do with her life; it was her calling. The kids in her classroom are SO lucky to have her. I know she's changing their lives because she's changed mine & it's been twenty years now since I've been her student. (Typing that out makes me feel so old!) More recently, a couple weeks ago, Peggy's mom passed away. When I found out about her family's loss, I knew I needed to go to the visitation. While I've tried to thank Peggy for what she's done for me numerous times before, I didn't think I got my message across effectively enough. There was no better way to thank her, to tell her how much I appreciate her than by going to the visitation to support her & her family during their time of grief. While I was still waiting in line, Peggy caught my eye & gave me a reassuring smile, totally calming my nerves. I knew that the only reason she recognized me was because I had sent her a recent photo of myself back when I originally connected with her. (I look A LOT different now than I did when she knew me in middle school.) That day, during what had to have been one of the most difficult times in Peggy's life, between small actions she was taking & things she said, Peggy was still blowing me away with her kindness & her compassion. When I spoke with her in the receiving line, Peggy asked me about how things were progressing. The fact that she continued to show me so much care & concern while she was grieving the loss of her mom, once again spoke volumes about the absolutely wonderful person Peggy is. As much as I wanted to express the great frustration I was feeling due to things moving slower than molasses, as well as some of the resource people I was working with not only not seeming to know how to help a late-diagnosed autistic woman like myself, but actually making things worse; I didn't. There was a line of people a mile long behind me, all waiting to talk to Peggy & her siblings. Plus, I wasn't there to talk about my personal difficulties. I was there to give her my condolences, my love, my compassion, & my support; things that she had given me a couple years earlier that meant so, SO much to me. I really, REALLY hope that I'll have the chance to fill her in on those things & more one day, at a much quieter time, when I'm not feeling like I need to give her MY support. A few days earlier, when I mentioned to my mom that I was going to go to this visitation, she told me I was very brave for going alone. (This was the first time I had ever been to, or even thought about going to visiting hours by myself-- the couple other times I had been to visiting hours, my family was with me.) In my mind though, I had no choice other than to go to this. I knew that Peggy would never expect me to be there, but Peggy made such a big impact on me recently that I really felt like I needed to go. I am SO quiet; I have a lot of anxiety when it comes to social situations, especially with people I don't know; & I'm someone who really struggles with coming out of my comfort zone. But, when I feel this strongly about something, I do it. And I was SO glad I did. When I talked to Peggy about why I wanted to be there to support her & her family & what an impact she'd made on me, I knew she was really touched by my presence. And that really warmed my heart. So, as I wrap up this very long blog post, why am I telling you all of this? Well, it's because I think you can learn a lot from what Peggy did. What she did is a very good illustration of how doing something so simple can really turn someone's whole life around. When I reached out to Peggy, I was hoping for a little bit of insight, but I got something so much more meaningful instead. She was so unbelievably kind & compassionate, giving me her time & a listening ear. Things that I so desperately needed. And that made such an enormous difference to me in the lonely world that I was living in. 💙 Last night, my college bestie & I went to a comedy show at a Worcester brewery. I didn't know it beforehand, but two out three of the standup comedians were autistic. The first comedian told us that she is autistic by sharing that both her & her fiancé (who performed right after her) have a touch of the 'tism. Now, this is a phrase that many autistic people use that I just cannot stand. Since this phrase came up during the comedy show that I just attended, I thought that now would be a good time to talk about what this phrase means & why it bothers me so much. What Exactly Does "A Touch Of The 'Tism" Mean?: "A touch of the 'tism" is a slang phrase used to characterize individuals displaying autistic traits. Many autistic people use this phrase when:
While this phrase may also be used by allistic, or non-autistic people to describe others who are displaying autistic traits, this is generally less common. People may say that someone has "a touch of the 'tism" regardless of whether or not (s)he is actually autistic. Why "A Touch Of The 'Tism" Bothers Me:
This is why I am so bothered by the phrase:
While a couple things that were said last night did bother me, nights out with my bestie (last night included) are seriously THE BEST. She's one of the very few people that I can say knows about all of me & loves me for it. 💙 Since Thanksgiving was just last week, I thought I'd spend this blog post telling you about what I'm thankful for. And no, autism didn't make the list. As I have said many times in this blog before, while many autistic people see autism as a superpower, something unique & wonderful about themselves, I see it as a hardship & a burden. Something that has very much gotten in the way of me achieving the white picket fence lifestyle I have dreamt of ever since I was a little girl. I had an interesting conversation with my mom last night, so before we move onto what this blog post is really about, I'd like to talk for a moment about Autism Acceptance. My mom made a comment about how I have accepted my autism, but I was quick to correct her. "I haven't accepted my autism. That's one of the things that I hate the most about myself & I wish it would just go away!" I said to her. "But you write all about it in your blog. You're very open about it there," my mom said. "I haven't accepted it though & I probably never will. I can write about it without accepting it. I'm open about it because I want people to have a better understanding of me. I hate my autism!" I exclaimed. "Okay, acknowledge then. You acknowledge that you have autism," my mom said, correcting the verbiage that she had been using. Yes, I acknowledge that I'm autistic. And I'm open about it, too. I'm trying to use my diagnosis to help others have a better understanding of me & to be more accepting of people who are a little bit different from them. But, accepting my autism? I'm far, far, FAR away from that. And to be completely honest with you, I can't see myself ever accepting it. I mean, autism has made my life so much more difficult than it would've been if I was neurotypical. Autism is something I want to stomp on, throw into a fire, & never see again. You get the picture. Feeling that way about my autism isn't acceptance. I wish I could get to the place of autism acceptance, but I haven't gotten there. And I don't think I ever will. What I'm Thankful For:
However, there are certain life experiences, things I have learned, & perspectives that I have that I only have because I am autistic. And that is what I'm thankful for. While I am definitely NOT thankful for autism itself, I do have a lot to be thankful for this Thanksgiving, that is related to autism in one way or another. Those things include, but are not limited to...
Happy Halloween! Well, maybe it's a Happy Halloween to you, but it's not for me. I've never liked this haunting holiday. So, there. I've come out & said it. I don't like Halloween! Now, having said that, if you're a Halloween-loving person, that's no biggie. In fact, one of my closest friends has a Halloween birthday & I just love her excitement around this frightful day. But, for me, Halloween just isn't my day. And that's okay, too. This Is Why:
I don't dislike everything about Halloween, so this is what I do like about the holiday:
Halloween Challenges For Autistic People:
How You Can Help:
During a phone conversation with a close family member this morning, I was asked about how my life is different now that my personality has been diagnosed. I was deeply hurt that I was asked this question. But, at the same time, I felt blessed. Out of everyone I have shared this diagnosis with, there has only been one person who has given me inappropriate reactions. From what I know about people who have come out as autistic, the more common response is for the majority of people to act like it's no big deal when they originally are told this information & then they proceed to treat you differently &/or shut you out of their life completely. "How Is Your Life Different Now That Your Personality Has Been Diagnosed?": My response was that my personality was not diagnosed because autism isn't my personality. It isn't anyone's personality because autism isn't a personality. I was then asked, "Well, if it's not your personality, then what is it?" "It's a disorder or a disability," I responded. I know many autistic individuals are going to disagree with my choice of words here. Depending on his or her own experiences, many people in the autism community believe that this is not true. Some people dislike that ASD stands for autism spectrum disorder because they don't think it's a disorder. Disorders imply that something is wrong, something needs to be corrected, &/or a cure is needed. Many autistic individuals don't believe that anything is wrong or that anything needs to be corrected, so there's nothing that needs to be fixed. I talk about this more in my blog post entitled I Desperately Want A Cure For Autism, But Most Autistics Disagree: This Is Why. I think autism is a disability because it has hindered my ability to get to where I want to be in life. What I Think My Life Would've Been Like If I Wasn't Autistic:
What Autism Is & Isn't:
Autism Is:
Autism Isn't:
What Personality Is & Isn't: Personality Is:
Personality Isn't:
Today is my one year anniversary of me finding out I'm autistic (I can't believe it!), so in celebration of that, here are some things I've learned over the past year:
Mother's Day is a day to celebrate the women who have made a difference in your life, whether that's your mom, your grandma, your aunt, your second mom, etc. I am so lucky to have had the experience of having both a wonderful mom AND second mom. Having a second mom is a true gift. It really takes a special person to make someone who isn't your daughter feel loved like she is. So, let's talk about my close friend, Beth, for a moment. I have known Beth for about twenty-five years now. She was my classroom aide back when I was a little second grader. And she is probably the person who knows me best, after my parents. Every single part of school was painfully difficult for me, but the academic aspects of it were (sadly) a breeze compared to all other aspects. I didn't have friends, I was bullied very severely, & because of my gross motor difficulties, I couldn't keep up with the other children at recess, even if I wanted to. I also didn't know I was autistic. I know I leaned on Beth way more than I should have back then. But, she was my only friend. She was who I hung out with at recess, who I laughed with, who I wanted to spend my time with, etc. Her time, her kindness, & her love made such a huge impact on my life back then. She really took me under her wing & she made school so much less painful than it would've been without her influence. As I grew older, our relationship only grew. I've told Beth things about myself & thoughts that I've had that I've never told anyone else, not even my own mom. I love my mom with my whole heart, but with my mom, I have fears about disappointment, judgement, & worry. Fears that probably every daughter with a caring & loving mother has. With Beth, those fears are not there, but the love & care that I so desperately need is. She's someone I confide in & tell my deepest secrets to. I also sometimes share my worst fears & concerns with her, so that I don't worry my mom. She's allowed me to vent & complain about whatever it is that's on my mind, as well. Her life experiences, perspective, & advice have been so valuable to me throughout the years. Because of the way I've been treated by my peers when I was growing up, the intense bullying, being constantly left out, I've built cement walls around myself that are so strong that even a bulldozer couldn't knock them down. With Beth, there are no walls because with her it's total comfort all the time. She was one of the first people I told that I was going to be getting an autism diagnosis & I was certain that that wouldn't surprise her. I was right. But, not only that, sharing this information with her only made our relationship stronger.
Beth has done so many things over the years to show me she cares. Here are a few examples:
I am so beyond thankful to have such an amazing person & friend in my life who has changed my life in countless ways. I love you so much, Beth! If there is anyone else reading this who has taken someone in who is not their own daughter & made her feel loved, I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. It takes a really special person to do that & what you're doing really, truly matters. I know because it did to me. 💝 When I first disclosed my autism to my family, friends, & some former teachers; I received the following email response from one of my mom's cousins: Kim, I’ve read and re-read your email. I was super impressed with you when you came to take care of your gung-gung and am even more impressed now. I am fascinated by your story and the extent you are taking to understand your past, present so that you can move forward. I can tell that it has been monumental for you to put a name to explain all of the struggles you have had. I’m happy for you and if you spent any amount of time blaming yourself (like we all have a tendency to do). You now know, it wasn’t you. While I was disheartened to learn the extent of what you’ve been going through, it was equally troubling to learn that your delayed diagnosis was primarily due to your gender. Another example of how these stereotypes can do real harm. But you are not focused on that, you’re focused on moving forward. Everything in your email points to that. Again, so much respect for you. Thank you for putting so much care into this message. Thank you for including me. If I have said anything that does not strike the right tone, let me know. I am processing and want to learn. What my mom's cousin is referring to in the line that I made bold, is the trip I made to my grandparents' home in California in the fall of 2019, about three & a half years ago. My grandma, who I called Haw-Bu, was recovering from having part of her tongue surgically removed due to a malignant tumor & because I had so much flexibility in my schedule, I planned to stay with my grandparents for two weeks to help out during my Haw-Bu's recovery. However, my Haw-Bu ended up having numerous complications due to the surgery & needed to stay in a rehabilitation facility to gain her strength back before she could safely live at home. So, I ended up extending my stay by another week & stayed for three weeks instead of two. Also, rather than helping out both of my grandparents, I became my grandpa's primary caregiver during that timeframe. I was responsible for the usual caregiving & household responsibilities as well has driving my grandpa, or my Gung-Gung as I call him, to & from the rehabilitation facility everyday so that he could visit my Haw-Bu. My Gung-Gung survived a major stroke several years earlier that severely disabled him, so he couldn't live in his house alone. I had turned twenty-nine just before making this trip. That is a lot of responsibility for any person, but it's especially a lot for a young person, particularly one who had so many different mental health challenges & now I know autism, as well. Let's talk about how autism, diagnosed or not, affected my caregiving responsibilities:
Social & Communication Deficits
Excessive Adherence To Routines & Resistance To Change
Interests That Are Abnormal In Intensity & Focus
Hyper-Reactivity To Some Sensory Input
Prosopagnosia
Topographic Agnosia
Being that today is Teacher Appreciation Day, I thought I would share some of my former teachers' thoughts & memories of me back from when I was a student. I have always respected & admired my teachers & really valued their opinions. I was really surprised that so many of these teachers remembered such details about me when I was in school so many years ago. Reaching out to so many people who were a part of my life growing up was one of the things I did during the self-discovery process that I thought was so worthwhile. I learned SO much about myself from emailing & chatting with my former teachers. I never asked my teachers what they thought of me when I was a student in their classrooms, so asking them this question now gave me really valuable perspective, as you'll see below. I did omit my teachers' & school names to keep my & their privacy safe & secure. 💕 Email From Seventh Grade Language Arts Teacher on August 8, 2022
What a pleasant surprise to hear from you! Yes, I do remember you from Middle School Name. I remember a very kind, shy, reserved student (with black-framed glasses, if I recall correctly) in my Language Arts class. In reading the notes you've shared, I do remember what a hardworking, diligent student you were and that earning top grades was very important to you. I see that I commented that you were "not good with being caught off guard," experienced frustration with group members who are fooling around, and that you interacted better with adults than with peers. I'm so sorry to hear of the challenges you've been experiencing for so long. I wish that I could add more detail to what I remember about you back in 7th grade, but I'm afraid that these meeting notes cover what I can recall. Although I unfortunately don't think I have much to add to the information you've shared with me, I'm happy to chat by phone if you'd like. Just let me know and we can arrange a time. Thank you so much for having the courage to reach out to me, Kim. It was wonderful hearing from you! We did have a phone conversation back in August & chatted a couple more times after that as well. This teacher is no longer a middle school language arts teacher, but is a middle school special education teacher in a different district now. I truly believe that special education is her calling, what she was meant to do with her life. Those conversations I had with her helped me immensely, more than I could ever convey to her (even though I tried). Thank you so, so much for being there for me & for truly listening to what I had to say in such an overwhelming time for me. This teacher is truly an illustration of why teachers are so incredible & so amazing. I was a student in her classroom about twenty years ago & she still made time for me during a time that I was learning so much about myself & was going through so much. At the time I sent her my initial email; I wasn't sure if that was the right thing to do or if I was making a fool out of myself; but after emailing, texting, & conversing with her; I knew that reaching out was the right thing for me to do purely because her kindness, compassion, & helpfulness meant so much to me. It helped me to have the strength to go through all that I was going through while I was discovering so much about myself. I could never thank her enough for her kindness & time. Email From Seventh Grade Science Teacher on August 12, 2022 Wow! So great hear to from you. I am sorry to learn that things have been challenging for you, but am impressed by your perseverance to uncover more information about yourself. In thinking back to seventh grade, I remember you as being a quiet, shy student. You always worked so hard on your assignments, often going above and beyond what was expected of you. I also remember that when we had special activities or field trips, you liked to have your mom join us. I am not sure I can offer too much more than what you have already learned from the notes and speaking with Teacher's Name, but it seems you have a pretty clear picture of your middle school self. I wish you the best of luck on this journey of self discovery. I ran into this teacher while I was walking my client's dog a couple weeks ago. It was really great to see & chat with her in person as well! I have such fond memories of being her student about twenty years ago. Email From Second Grade Teacher on August 15, 2022 Thank you for reaching out to me. I am sorry to hear that you are experiencing some health issues and hope that you are able to resolve them as soon as possible. And while it's been a very long time since you were in my class and I can't recall every detail, I do have some clear memories of you. Yes, you were a very quiet and shy child. You seemed quite content to keep to yourself, and not too interested in other children. Making eye contact and initiating conversations weren't things you did often. Lately, more often than not, there is a student in my class who is on the spectrum. Each one has his or her own characteristics - but one common denominator I've witnessed is that students often are super-focused on specific things. For you, it was the love you had for your bunnies! Books you read and stories you wrote were all about bunnies. It sounds like you are doing all the right things to determine what's going on. If you receive this diagnosis, I wouldn't be surprised. I know I haven't added much to what you already have stated but if there's anything else I can do to help you, please let me know. Email From Middle School Physical Education Teacher on August 15, 2022 Thanks so much for the message! Of course I remember you!!! You are in your thirties?!?!? I'm getting old! I appreciate the kind words you gave me. Thanks so much. I remember you being very shy to start. I was informed of your dislike for PE so I was going to change that!!!! I remember you being stubborn!!!! I would try to get you to do some things that you would just not do!!!!! I do remember getting you involved in an asteroids game in which people could get back in ONLY if you throw them an asteroid!!! I was so proud of you for participating. Everyone was calling for your help!!!! Unfortunately, he wasn't able to change my dislike of PE, but he did make a huge difference in my experience in it. His kindness & compassion made it so that PE wasn't nearly as frightening as it was in all other grade levels. When I look back on PE, I have traumatic memories of PE in all grade levels except for middle school. The reason for that is because of his kindness, compassion, & the extra time he took with me. Quotes From Phone Conversation With High School Special Education Teacher on August 23, 2022 "I can totally see what you’re saying, especially looking through your early childhood development & some of the comments that teachers made & even your dad saying that it was something in the back of their minds. I can definitely see where your primary care physician may suggest that you look into that." "Definitely now that you’re saying that you’re looking into traits that you may have exhibited that you know to be in that autism checklist, I definitely remember you being very bright & artistic, creative. You definitely needed to be pulled out if you had a question or a concern, you weren’t always comfortable expressing that. Or advocating for help with your teachers. I saw over the four years, you became much more comfortable as time went on. And as you became comfortable with me, it definitely was easier for you to ask for help & advocate for yourself." "You tended to be very withdrawn when I first met you & then definitely came out & advocated a bit more junior & senior year. And people around you also made a big difference. I noticed that depending on who was in the classroom with you, who was in your skills class, & who was seated around you, that definitely had an impact on how comfortable you were, even making eye contact or joining in a conversation." "There were some times where I would think, "Aww, she’s just not comfortable in here" & I didn’t know if it was who you were sitting near or just the class in general. And then other times, I was just so happy because you seemed more at ease & I felt like you would ask for help or accept help more readily, depending on your surroundings & who was in your class." "I would not be surprised if you received this diagnosis. I feel like if you came into high school now, just from what I’m remembering, we would have a lot of red flags, where we’d say, "Oh, well, let’s look at this & let’s connect with Kim’s doctor" & we’d look back at your history, your educational history, whether you hit those milestones, things like that. I’m definitely not surprised that your doctor brought that up & I’m just so glad that you’re pursuing this because I think it will make a huge difference." Email From Freshman Year English Teacher on September 11, 2022 Yes, I absolutely remember having you as a student- it's so nice to hear from you! However, I am very sorry to hear about your medical struggles. It must be so frustrating to have had to deal with those for so long without having any clear answers as to the causes and the remedies, so I think you're doing the right thing in getting evaluated for the possibility of having autism spectrum disorder. What I do remember is that you were one of the best students in my class: very intelligent, and an excellent writer and reader. Yes, you were shy and quiet, but I've taught lots of students who were the same way, so your traits didn't seem out of the ordinary to me at the time. Please know that I always thought very highly of you and you made quite a favorable impression; that's why when I saw your name on the email, I instantly knew who you were. Sadly, I would not be able to say the same for many of the other students from the 2005-2006 school year. Email From High School Art Teacher on September 11, 2022 Of course I remember you :). It is good to hear from you. I remember you as a very hardworking and conscientious student. You cared about doing well in school. You were always well behaved and a pleasure to have in the room. Thinking back, I would describe you as a quiet student. You did not initiate many conversations. However, you were not afraid to come talk to me if you had something on your mind. I am not sure if I would describe you as shy or just quiet. Sometimes those two characteristics might be hard to differentiate. Feel free to contact me any time. I am happy to give you any information that I can remember. Quotes From Phone Conversation With Eighth Grade Algebra Teacher on September 12, 2022 "It was a long time ago, but I do remember you & I do remember you were a very diligent, excellent student. You always tried hard, but you were a little bit more to yourself. I do remember that you weren’t super social, you were very focused on school, the academic part of school & not so much the social aspect. That’s what I remember, Hun. That’s kinda what sticks out & I remember you were very sweet, nice, lovely, hardworking student, but I do remember the social piece, as being maybe more of a struggle." "I’m not surprised to say that’s something you’ve felt about yourself & there’s so much to the autism spectrum. I do kind of see that you could’ve fit that description of someone who really, the social part really was more of a challenge. And, I was a young teacher back then, I was just maybe ten years older than you, so I was kind of paying attention to the social thing." Email From Fifth Grade Math & Science Teacher on September 28, 2022 It is so nice to hear from you! Of course I remember you! Thank you for reaching out and sharing your story with me. It sounds like it must have been a long road and I applaud you for continuing to look for some answers. I remember you as a very quiet girl in 5th grade. You didn't talk very much, but would respond with body language. You had a great smile and you smiled a lot in response when someone was talking to you. You presented as someone who was very shy and walked down the hall typically next to an adult. I also remember your movements and work completion was in a much slower manner than others. I used to think that you were just taking things in and processing them. Please feel free to reach out at anytime. I can't believe we've made it to the end of April already! Let's wrap up Autism Acceptance Month by talking about how you should react if someone in your life chooses to disclose an autism diagnosis to you. I was lucky that when I disclosed my struggles & my diagnosis, most people reacted correctly without any guidance, but unfortunately, that's not always the case. This is what autistic people REALLY want from you. The DO's Of Reacting To An Autism Disclosure:
The DON'T's Of Reacting To An Autism Disclosure:
As I talked about earlier in this blog, when I received my autism diagnosis back in October 2022, I knew that I wanted to share it, as well as my experiences & my knowledge in order to spread more awareness & acceptance of autism & the many ways it can look. However, what I was not aware of was how rewarding & fulfilling that would feel, thanks to the unbelievable amount of love, positive responses, & support I received in return. As I was reading about autism disclosure & what other newly diagnosed autistic people went through, whether in autism books or memoirs or posts in autism support groups on Facebook, I have to admit that not knowing how people would react to this news was quite scary, especially after reading about other people's disclosure experiences, some which were pretty horrible. However, I knew that I wanted to "come out" as autistic to people. (Yes, coming out isn't just for sexual orientations & is also a term used for other aspects of life. Autistic people "come out" as autistic (or disclose their autism) if they so choose as well!) I felt like I had been misunderstood my entire life & I wanted people to get me, to understand me. Autism would explain all of my quirks, all of my difficulties, from early childhood through adulthood. However, I knew that there was a huge risk that I would get reactions that would be inappropriate, upsetting, make me uncomfortable, or all of the above. Before the idea of starting a blog even came to mind, I shared my struggles & my diagnosis with roughly eighty people, from all different aspects of my life. I began with telling family, close friends, former teachers, neighbors, & people I interact with on a regular basis. Later on, as I gained more comfort, I expanded the circle of people who knew to even more neighbors, my parents' friends & colleagues, & people who I went to school with, many who had to have been aware of the intense bullying I experienced all throughout my educational journey. I was extremely surprised that out of those eighty-ish people I "came out" to, only one of those people reacted in a way that made me uncomfortable. I was the most worried about this particular person's reaction, but it was a family member that in the goodness of my heart, I felt that I couldn't exclude due to sharing this news with everyone else in my family. I began writing my autism disclosure email in early September 2022. This was roughly a month & a half prior to receiving my autism diagnosis & roughly three months before being ready to send this email out for the first time. I sent this email out twice, to two separate groups of people & posted a similarly-worded Facebook post as well. I reread & revised this email almost everyday from the time I wrote it until I actually sent it out (a definite autistic trait). I received SO many compliments about how well-written this email was from those who received it. Multiple people told me they read it once & then reread it again & again. I was told many times from a multitude of people that I am such a talented writer. This is something that was true from the time that I was a child, as well. From rereading notes written by my former teachers, my elementary school, middle school, & high school teachers all seemed to agree that written communication was a strength of mine while verbal communication was a weakness (another autistic trait). As a child, it was easier to write a poem about how I was feeling than to just say it. Now, it is easier to write a letter or a blog post about how I feel than it is to talk about it.
The decision to start a blog was the result of how people reacted when I shared my struggles & my diagnosis with them, how rewarding & fulfilling that felt, as well as being complimented so many times about my writing. I wanted to branch out a little further by starting an autism acceptance blog & online boutique to help make a difference in the best way I know how: through writing & design! My background is in graphic design, but being complimented so many times about my writing solidified that going down this completely new avenue & combining these two things might be worth exploring because of my newfound passion for autism advocacy, as well as employment-related difficulties (which I now know is due to being autistic). This winter, during a deep & lengthy conversation about my struggles & my experiences I had with one of my neighbors, she told me I should write a book. At this point, I'm unsure about whether or not I'll get to the point where getting a book of my own published is a realistic goal, but I shared with my neighbor that I have been working really hard on getting a blog up & going with the goal of launching April 1st, just in time for Autism Acceptance Month. This blog would be a great step towards writing a book if that is something that is in my future. I am so excited to see what the future holds for me, but I am even more excited that you are coming along for the ride! I'm feeling kind of sad as I type this out because my aunt & my grandma were visiting for the past several days & they left this morning. Side-Note: I tried to blog as much as I could while my aunt & my grandma were visiting, but posting blogs are very time-consuming, so I could only get one blog posted while they were here (sorry!). It takes me anywhere from one hour to several hours to put one blog post together, depending on the blog's topic. I design all graphics that go in my blogs myself & that's the most time-consuming part. The writing portion doesn't take that much time, especially since I've always been a very strong writer. If you look back on notes written from my teachers back from when I was in school, my elementary through high school teachers all seemed to agree that my written communication was much stronger than my verbal communication. That is the way I [still] feel as well & is a very common thing among autistic people. It is also one of the reasons why I decided to give blogging a try. Up to this point, the blog that took me the longest to put together was April 12th's blog, The Harm of Autism Function Labels (the linear & circular autism spectrum graphics took a very, very, VERY long time to create!). Back The Topic Of This Blog... FAMILY: My family is my entire world 🌎— they always have been & they always will be. I mean, lots of people are family-oriented, but for me, there's a bigger reason why. I know a lot of the reason my family takes up so much of my heart & so much of my world is because I depend on my family to take on roles that friends typically take on in people's lives. As sad as it is, throughout my life, I historically could never depend on friends. From having friends in general; to making plans with them & having the plans happen when, where, & how I expected them to; to leaning on them for emotional support in times of need. This is as true now as when I was a child, so because of this, my family was always extra important to me. Growing Up In Such A Family-Oriented Town... Without Family
I've lived in Shrewsbury, Massachusetts ever since I was 2½ years old. This town, & New England in general, is incredibly family-oriented. I love the strong family values that New Englanders have. Many people I grew up with had all their grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc. living less than an hour's drive from them. Many people I know who are in my parents' generation grew up in Shrewsbury themselves & also attended the Shrewsbury public schools, some having the same teachers my brother & I had growing up. Growing up in a town where so many people were surrounded by their extended family, but I didn't have that was really hard on me, & it still is. I wanted more than anything to not have to get on an airplane to see my grandpa & my aunts. Now, my grandpa lives just five minutes down the road from me, but it's because he needs my mom & I to be taking care of him. So, I can't depend on him now like I could when he was healthy. My aunts living so far away from me is really, really hard on me though; especially since I've seen how loving & supportive they have been with all that I have been going through this past year. My Aunts Are Amazing People! I have learned so much about myself & about the world that I am now a part of over the past several months. Both of my aunts are people who have been wanting to learn & wanting to be more educated about autism-related issues that I wasn't aware were effecting my life in such big ways until recently. Having the love & support of motherly figures who are not my mom has been incredible & very much needed, especially since I've been feeling like at home, it is wished that I was neurotypical, & I often feel that I do not belong, always [unintentionally] saying or doing the wrong thing. With my aunts, I can just be myself. If they have a question about something I'm doing or saying, they'll ask me about it with love in their hearts, & we can have an open & honest conversation about it without judgement being an issue. Being able to have in-person conversations with both my aunts this month & last month has been absolutely amazing. While I know that they're both there for me always, sometimes the type of love that I need can just not be achieved over text or through conversations on the phone, but is only possible in person. My aunts are doing everything right & are treating me exactly the right way without being told what to do or say, which feels so, SO good. If you have family close-by to you, please cherish them. I so wish I had what you have! And to my aunts: thank you for being so amazing 💕! I had a blog topic planned for today, but due to a phone call I received yesterday afternoon, I'm straying from it & blogging about something totally different (which is difficult for autistic people to do) instead. So, let's talk about autism resources! When you get an autism diagnosis, the next step is typically... you guessed it... resources! The resources that come after the diagnosis are SO overwhelming! Or, at least that's how it was for me. I decided to post about this instead of my planned topic because my vocational rehabilitation counselor called me yesterday afternoon to check in. There were multiple resources I applied for once I had my diagnosis. One of the resources I applied for was vocational rehabilitation services. What Is Vocational Rehabilitation?: Vocational rehabilitation is a process that helps people with lifelong & acquired disabilities find, get, & keep meaningful employment. All states have vocational rehabilitation services, but they might be called different things depending on the state. Now you know why this is so overwhelming for me. I have mentioned multiple times throughout this blog that anything & everything relating to employment causes intense amounts of stress & anxiety for me. The last time I had seen or spoken to my vocational rehabilitation counselor was back on Thursday, February 9, 2023; when I had my initial in-person meeting with him. That was roughly two months ago. During that meeting, I explained some of my anxieties involving employment & also showed him what I had done so far with my Splashed With Water website. Back in February, this website looked nothing like it looks now because it was not nearly as far along as it is right now. It was also not a live (or published) site at the time.
During today's conversation with my vocational rehabilitation counselor, I shared with him the link to this website, which he took a peek at while speaking with me. From what my autistic self could tell, he seemed quite impressed & asked if he could share it with the rest of the office. Of course, I gave him permission to do that. I also told him to be sure to let me know if any of his colleagues had any thoughts or feedback regarding my site. He then asked me what I actually wanted him, as my vocational rehabilitation counselor, to help me with. What I actually wanted to outcome of the vocational rehabilitation services to be. To be completely honest with you, that was a difficult question for me to answer. What I told him was that I think the traditional, corporate-style job is the safest choice & the choice that everyone who loves & cares about me wants me to make. However, I personally feel that that is not the best choice for me personally due to the fact that I think it could very likely be detrimental to my mental & physical health & wellbeing. I told him that what I think the healthiest thing for me to do is to focus on this website & make this new business work for me. Was that the right answer? I don't know, but I'm trying to figure it out. What I can tell you though is I really hope this business works for me. I can feel the burning passion inside of me as I type this blog post out. 🔥 Autism disclosure is a very personal issue that people within the autistic community are very divided on. Some people are very open about it & tell anyone & everyone. Others disclose in stages, disclosing first to their innermost circle, working out as more & more comfort is reached. Some people like to tell only their closest friends & family. And lastly, there are the people who like to keep their autism completely to themselves. MY Autism Disclosure Process: I personally fall into the second group of people listed above, being someone who disclosed in stages. This is how I went about it. Please keep in mind, there is no right or wrong way to disclose your autism & disclosing your autism isn't something you have to do at all.
WHY I Chose To Disclose My Autism Diagnosis: At first, I chose to disclose be better understood, accepted, & supported by family & close friends, as well as people who I interact with on a regular basis. I later disclosed to an even larger group of people with the purpose of educating them in effort to spread more autism acceptance & awareness in my community. Thinking About Disclosing YOUR Autism Diagnosis?:
Remember, there's no right or wrong way to disclose your autism diagnosis & you absolutely don't have to do it the way I did it. Some Things To Keep In Mind:
You've probably heard of Autism Speaks before. After all, they're the leading autism "advocacy" organization in this country. There have been weeks where I haven't been able to turn on the tv or the radio in the car without seeing or hearing an Autism Speaks advertisement. People with kind & loving hearts run marathons to raise money for, donate to, & organize fundraisers for the popular organization without knowing the truth behind them. Autistic people do not support Autism Speaks, I certainly don't support them, & you shouldn't either. Shortly after I "came out" as autistic, I received an email from a member of my family letting me know that she was going to make a contribution to the organization. Luckily, she had not yet made the donation, so I was able to point her in the direction of other autism advocacy organizations that are much more deserving of her support & money. (See below↓.) Why Not To Support Autism Speaks:
Great Autistic-Led Organizations That Deserve Our Support Include:
Autism spectrum disorder is a lifelong neurodevelopmental disability caused by differences in the wiring of the brain that often cause difficulties with social communication & interaction. It also can cause restricted or repetitive behaviors or interests. Autism is referred to as a spectrum because there is such a wide array of traits & it has a unique effect on everyone. No two autistic people will exhibit exactly the same traits or behave exactly the same way. There isn't any one single way that autism should look & for many people who know me personally, I am not their image of what autism looks like. When I "came out" as autistic to a member of my family, she asked me how being autistic affects my life. My autism affects every aspect of my life, from my social interactions to my relationships to how I communicate to my physical movements to my habits to my interests to my sensory sensitivities & more. There isn't a single day that goes by that I am not reminded in one way or another that I am autistic. I am still in disbelief that almost thirty-two years of my life went by before I knew this crucial information about myself.
|
AuthorHello! My name is Kim, I didn't know I was autistic until I was in my thirties, & this is my story. Categories
All
Archives
May 2024
|